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Lament

So I haven't been blogging, but what else is new right?

Well there's a lot going on right now, the main event of which is that I am picking up and moving to Vancouver.

In May I bought a car, a 2004 Chevy Aveo, and decided I was going to take it on a road trip in June. The vacation was more than a little late than needed but perfect none the less. Mandy decided to join me at the last second and quit her job two hours before I left and came along with me.
We went everywhere we could with no money, and even made it to some places we really couldn't afford but luck followed us around anyways.
We went to Oliver in the Okanagan Valley,
Osooyos,
Penticton,
Around and through the State of Washington,
White Rock,
New Westminster,
Burnaby,
Vancouver,
North Vancouver,
Nanaimo, (on the island)
Parksville,
Tofino,
Ucelet,
Victoria,
Vancouver again,
and back to Oliver, and Osooyos again.

It was beyond an amazing trip, not to mention the ride to and from Winnipeg was incredibly beautiful (well, West past Calgary anyways).

I love it out there and decided it will be best for me to move out there because here (in Winnipeg) really doesn't feel like home to me, and it hasn't for a long time. I have so much more opportunity out there and I can't explain the feeling that comes over me the second I enter the mountains, or the drive to Oliver, or walking through Vancouver city not surrounded by flatness with no intrigue but by snow covered giants reaching forever upwards into the clouds. The love I have for that whole province can't be found in many places here around Winnipeg.

Though since the beginning of August, I've began to find a few things that I have to leave behind that will be hard. Like the music at the King's Head, the drive down River Road, and my family. I can't start to compare friends, because my friends are awesome in both provinces. That's not to say leaving them won't be difficult, or that they're being replaced. Just that they're incomparable.

The thing that's going to be hardest to leave, are my secrets. I know deep inside my secrets make me selfish, and when I'm selfish I find I actually become more of someone who I'm not than someone who I am. I definitely don't want them to follow and haunt me, or for a regret of not sharing them when I had the chance so I'm going to leave them right now.

Before May of this year, were harsh months. In fact, the whole year of 2006 was really difficult for me.

I moved into my own apartment downtown in January 2006, because I decided that I still wasn't ready for school, I loved the partying way of life, and I had a new philosophy pushed on me right before the beginning of the year: "Don't worry about it." I used it towards everything, and stopped worrying. I gambled away $600 I had been saving for school which was why I was kicked out of my parents house, and on New Year's eve 2005 I decided to make "Don't worry about it" my New Year's Resolution.

It was New Year's day I started buying and frequently using hard drugs. In particular, cocaine. I obviously didn't plan it to be an addiction, and I definitely wasn't worried about it so I let it slide. I didn't worry about money because I was working two jobs, 7 days a week so it kept the cash flow going.

In March, I had a friend who had alcohol and drug problems come stay with me. I wanted to help her, but I was also ridiculously selfish at the time, more concerned with love affairs and partying. I had become friends with a lot of bands in the local music scene so I felt like a star, and I didn't plan on quieting down even to help a friend anytime soon.

In April, I went down to the States to see KT Tunstall. I knew I couldn't bring drugs with me over the border so I went three days without them and had one of the best times of my life. When I got back, I went straight back into them, and went to a huge rave where I started to get into ecstasy. One day, my friend who was staying with me, her mother called me at work, and we had an intervention on her which ended up really helping her but she and I both knew it was entirely hypocritical. I knew at that point my drug and alcohol abuse was out of control and I needed help too, but I decided still not to worry about it even though partying had started to be less fun.

June came along and I stopped doing drugs while I had a boyfriend for all of what? Two, maybe three weeks? That was a situation I never should have caught myself up in. In my mind, I thought he gave me the power to leave all the bad stuff and negative influences of my life behind me but his situation ended up being really fucked up so he broke it off with me and with my mentality of needing him, I went right back into a more negative mindset than ever.

Most of the summer and fall was a blur of drama, drugs, and depression. I took a vacation in November, and decided to quit drugs before it, remembering how great the KT Tunstall trip was without them. The depression didn't go away though. I had an amazing adventure through the States and while I was traveling I truly was happy, but the depression that lingered in the back of my mind that I still had to go home and all my negative situations were still there waiting for me. On my vacation after the States, I found myself with a friend I used to do blow with from Winnipeg who'd moved to Vancouver and we ended up on a crazy and dangerous adventure and an 8 ball. I hesitated for a moment knowing it was fucking dumb but we did it anyways.

Words can't describe the feeling I had after. I'd never felt so stupid in my life. My heart was racing faster than it ever had my mind was racing even faster with terrible depressed thoughts and I knew at this point I couldn't do it again. Especially since I was going back to a place I had created for myself to hate. How could I survive it if I felt the way I did and doing the drugs made me feel worse?

In December, my sister's boyfriend came to stay with me from Nova Scotia. He and I had similar mentalities and while I know he's a good guy, our minds were not good for each other so we drank the month away and then after Christmas I moved out with a friend from work and her boyfriend.

The year was over, I had been off drugs for almost two months, and it was a New Year. I liked my new roommates and they definitely didn't do drugs. They had some complicated situations that people gossiped about but then again who doesn't? I was comfortable. Not happy yet, but comfortable.

By the time my birthday had rolled around in February, I had decided that I was going to move to Vancouver in May, and I had also decided to slow down on my drinking. I stopped hanging around with many of my friends because I didn't want to be around the drugs and started making new friends at work and with my roommates. By the end of the month I had gotten close with all of them, and I guess you could say we all liked to gossip. I tried not to gossip, and if I did it wouldn't be behind a person's back. I still stand by what I said: "I've never said anything behind someones back that I haven't said to their face." At least among those friends.

On March 3rd, a series of events happened. A close friend broke up with his first love, an exboyfriend of mine broke up with a kind of friend of mine and kicked her out, there was a UFC party at my apartment we had been planning for a while and all my work friends came and got drunk, and both broken up couples showed up at scattered times and I was only there for maybe half that time. I had a terrible feeling about the whole evening so I didn't drink and everybody was either yelling or whispering behind everybody's backs. Feeling uncomfortable, I left the party and went to my parents place to sleep.

On March 4th, I got kicked out of my apartment and slept at the McDonald's I work in.
What happened? I still don't know all the facts, and probably never will, but there were lots of people who had secrets come out, and somewhere along the line someone said I was talking shit about my roommates behind their backs, I hated them, and I was going to move to BC, and that my exboyfriend had broken up with my kind of friend (at the time) to get back together with me and move with me. Of course, only the part about me wanting to move to BC was true, but it wasn't official which is why I hadn't said anything to them, and none of the other stuff was true at all. No, I didn't like their issues that they had but it was none of my business so I stayed out of it as much as I could. Without trying to swing the situation out of context for anybody to take my side or lean my way, what I got out of the situation is that my friends got so caught up in their own webs of lies, and instead of taking it out on each other they tried to find a way to blame me because I wasn't there at the time and I wasn't as close to them as they all were to each other. I don't even think it was deliberate. Things got out of control and it was a way out for them all to not be as hurt.

But I was hurt. And I was homeless. I stayed with friends I hadn't seen in a while, I stayed at my store, I stayed with people I barely knew and even my exboyfriend. My coworker/roommate told me later because I had payed rent I could've stayed there until the end of the month, but there was a fear factor involved when my boss drove me to the apartment to get some clothes a few days later and advised me not to go in and even offered a couch at his house because he'd heard of a note posted on my door, (by who I still don't know), that said something along the lines of: "You dirty cunt, I'm going to rape you if you show up here again."

I had lost all my friends from the past couple of months who were the only ones I saw on a regular basis, and I just about lost my job because of the rumours, the awkwardness, and the lack of communication at work.

In the midst of all this, I slept with this guy I really shouldn't have slept with because I stayed with him, I had no self esteem, and I was going to do anything to feel better and I thought it'd make me feel great. I didn't. I got sick, I felt slutty, I felt used even though I used him just as much, and I dabbled in cocaine again one night shortly after when I had nowhere to go and I found myself at a friend's place where I used to do drugs.

I had a friend in Junior high who once said, "No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse." And they kept on getting worse, and I kept on getting sicker, my stress level was at an all time high and I needed a place to live. So, my exboyfriend who had kicked out my kind of friend couldn't afford his apartment anymore and we decided to rent out a house together, simply because we both needed a place stay.

After moving in, and two weeks of missing my period and being sick, I knew what was coming was my own fault and inevitable. I couldn't abort it. It's just not in me to do that. What other women do is up to them, but in my heart I knew I couldn't do it. So I did my very best to turn my mindset around, and in my mind, I was going to do everything to be the best mother ever and started to love myself again, if only for the life of the baby inside of me.

Sometimes, life can bring something so unexpected, so twisted and far from what you thought was going to come your way, that you're left in a state where there is no more room for rationality.

To help you understand my mindset, let me reiterate: I had lost my home, lost my friends, almost lost my job, my family didn't want to have anything to do with me because they knew about the drugs, I lost all hopes of ever leaving this city that I hated with so much passion and with that had given up my dreams, and then along comes this life inside of me and I knew this was my chance to start over and live with meaning again.

And I went to the clinic, fully, honestly, ready to do everything for this child inside me and they have the results in hand after waiting forever to get them back and they ask me:

"Have you been under any unusual stress recently?"

What a funny question to ask. I expected questions about std's, my "last partner", job security and financial care, and they ask me about stress.

Of course I answer yes, and tell them a few things about what's been happening in my life. They give me a suicide hotline number, (no joke), a pamphlet of counseling sessions I could go to, and then tell me that there's something wrong with my hormones, my stress level has probably made them way off their own normal levels, and then they tell me I am pregnant but I'm going to lose the baby within the next couple weeks because it's not going to develop properly.

How is a person supposed to react to that? I didn't know. On one hand, I won't have the burden of being a single mother, on the other, I was expecting to be and had accepted the situation and put what was left of my heart and soul inside of it. Where does that leave me? Well, it left me with nothing. I felt completely empty. I told my friend who came with me, and the couple other people that knew I might've been pregnant that I wasn't. I might as well not have been.

I went home and lay in bed in the afternoon. I couldn't stay on any train of thought and I lost my mind. I was numb. I was dead. I slit my writs open because I didn't want to live, or maybe I slit my wrists open to let me know I was still alive. I still don't know. But I watched myself bleed and tried to think of beautiful things but everything I could think of was ugly.

Somewhere in me, I told myself I was selfish and that there was still love in this world but I had shut myself out from it. I asked myself where I could find love. I thought of my mom, my dad, my little brother, and Colette.

I couldn't call my parents though. I know they would only show me their disappointment, and their emotions would only make me feel guilt and I didn't want to feel guilt. I wanted to feel something, even sad but guilt might make me feel rational for my actions. So I called Colette, and she came over and she held me and she loved me and she took me out to see A Night at the Museum which wasn't really a good movie at all, but I cried at every point somebody felt sad or any negative emotion at all even though it was a comedy.

April was spent building up strength, and learning what I could look forward to, and finding what I could enjoy. I miscarried two... three weeks? (I had stopped counting days) into the month and it was a horrible experience but I shoved it to the back of my mind and kept working on being happy. In May I bought my car and planned the road trip. And I haven't touched cocaine in months and never will again. I haven't had sex with anyone since March, and I still really don't feel up for it with anyone for a long time and there have been a few guys in the last 4 months that have been interested, and I liked them but I shut them out undeservedly because of fear.

I'm still scared to trust people. I'm scared of commitment and even friendship. I'm still nice to everyone but I'm working on getting rid of this fear that everybody will suddenly turn their backs on me... I'm scared of betrayal, which is ultimately what I felt and it cut me deep. I'm working on it but I still don't know if I'll ever look at humanity the same way I once did.

Now I have 12 and half days until I move to the place of my dreams. I'm not perfect, but I'm happy with myself and have found this confidence that I've never ever had before. I've got the "Don't worry about it" attitude again, but I'm using it with my logic this time, so it's only not to stress myself out and not to make stupid decisions. I don't like to think I'm running away from my problems, because I've fixed or at least tried my best to fix them all while I'm here. Part of which is this entry in itself, which is for everybody yet only for myself so I can let go of the problems and secrets of which mostly I only know. I posted this song to start, but now it may not even be necessary that I've wrote it all out, which in full honesty, I didn't expect to do.

It's a relief.

Lament

Late on one past winter evening
I found my life had lost its meaning
And so I thought what to lose by
Trying something new?
I tried letting go and cutting strings of
Everything I've ever held on to
But got tangled in a web where I found you

The final winter passed but
Springtime held a sorry song
They told me you were sick
And that you couldn't last for long
I felt my heart implode inside me
As my soul slipped out and by me
It had only been a short time
But what left of me was gone

You were everything I'd prayed for
And everything I'd saved for
Even in the coldest times
I had still held on
I never thought a time would come
I'd see the falling of the sun
Who ever thought a shooting star
Would mean the end to all my dreams?

So I fell into my bed in the early afternoon
I couldn't fathom how it had ended all so soon
My mind decided this was too much and it would leave me too
Girl with nothing left but body you would do it too

One for love and
One for hate
One for the soul that left no trace
One for the heart dead inside
One for the mind I couldn't find
One for the dreams I couldn't reach
One for the friends I couldn't teach
One for the home I never had
One for jobs I fucked up bad
One for the failures when I really tried
One for the apathy that made me lie
One for wishes never come true
One for me
One for you

To Kari

>From: Kari Van <frosty_@yahoo.com>>
To: Kira Gouriluk <oishii17@hotmail.com>>
Subject: Re: FW: armin>Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:45:32 -0700 (PDT)
>>KIRA where r u? gone yet? wtf !!!! have a good trip duuudette 8

hey man thanks and i amright now i'm in van, two days ago i was in the states, and the couple days before that i was in oliver. tonight cole and ryan and duncan and a couple other guys are driving to van and there is a huge party i am throwing at the cambie... and jen is probably coming and so is my friend kiran that i met in turkey and all my blogging peeps. then tomorrow i'm going to a party in chilliwack, and then the next day benny is coming out with us to the island where we'll probably stay until friday when i'm coming back for jen's graduation jello shooter party. after that it's back to oliver so hopefully i can turn back and there will be a huge fucking canada day celebration and then sometime after that i'm coming home but i'm really thinking of moving out here sometime soon.

how are things with you?

miss you, and colette, but definitely not winnipeg.

love,kira

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On my way...

24 Hours before I go, and I still have 17 hours of work ahead of me... so I will not have access to a computer again.

Got all my shit together, just need money but I may be SOL on that one. I'm thinking of maybe hitching to and from Vancouver and the island and leaving my car in Oliver. Oh well, there will be updates.

I will probably be in Oliver next time I'm able to blog so I should have lots of adventurous stories to tell. Unless I die. Then someone else will have to blog about it.

I'm way too psyched right now, all I gotta say is WHOOOOOO!

(I love being an adventurous nerd.)

The drive...

My Map

7 days 10 hours and 33 minutes

At work we ran 12% labour today... and it should've been at 22%. Which means we could afford to have had 12 more people working that's how busy it was.

Those damn Sunday customers are certainly lovin' it.

Sunday customers are usually the church/family crowd.

The church crowd are usually of Ukrainian Catholic or Protostant religions, so they believe in practicing things like kindness, patience, and forgiveness. Well, all these Christians that come to my McDonalds after church are going to Hell for being the the most unforgiving, unpatient redneck ugly assholes in the existance of church goers. Either that or the devil's possessed them all. I hate sundays. Especially double shifting it and seeing them for 17 hours of my day.

And there's my rant. On another note, this and this are the most morbid things in the facebook/myspace world I've come across.

I like myspace more than facebook which I was reluctant to join. However I find myself going back to it every day, or maybe twice or three times if I'm around a computer. I've added all sorts of applications. Hilary Duff - Happy (which is my current favourite song to rock out to) plays in the background, but unlike myspace it won't annoy people at my page by coming on soon as you click on it, they have the option to push play if they want to. (And they should because it's so awesome!) I've added Amnesty International as a cause on my page which people can donate to, or just sign up to make people more aware of what they do.

My favourite though, is my hotlist. I have all these little icons in the side bar of my favourite things in life, that will show 8 of them at a time, and then randomize again when they come back to the page. I look at it and for some reason or other it makes me really happy in a little girl type of way. I have everything from Red Bull to America's Next Top Model to Sushi to Sunshine to Giraffe to Colette.

I guess it reminds me that life has a lot of good things to offer too.