Ex Ex Ex

The last time I went to the Red River Exhibition, was in 2004 but I didn't get the chance to thoroughly enjoy it because I was having the best busy day of that year. Matthew Good played a free concert there, and then we left on a road trip to BC. That was June 18th, 2004.

The time before that, I would have been 16... I went with my boyfriend Matt on his birthday and we made out when we got stuck upsidedown at the top of the twisty ferris wheel thing. That was June 29th, 2001.

I have mainly fond memories of the Ex, minus one when I was 13 and a young carnie with barely any teeth told me I had a "purty smile" and chased me a little bit while I ran freaking out with my friends.

And I am going today! With Colette and her friend Jason. We need a fourth person because it's better with four so nobody gets left out and so you can split up.

I think I plan to conquer my fear of spinny rides today. Either that or I plan to puke an exceptional amount. It's a good thing I'm not eating a lot or I'd be screwed. I love the upsidedown and fast rides, it's just the twirly-spinning ones I can't handle and my head goes crazy.

I don't really have a lot to say today, except that it's my last day of work at this hell hole and I feel no remorse blogging instead of working!

Going for a pita. I might edit this post later when I remember important things to say.

Edit #1: 2:45pm

It started thundering and pooring and my spirits went to shit. Then Craig's ex gave me the URL to her blog that she just started.

I think that the reason I'm feeling so selfish, (see my last post), is most definitely because I'm afraid of him going back to her. She says in her post "One of us is going to lose and it's going to suck to some degree for everyone involved."

That scares me because it's true.

I almost want to make her my enemy. By all rights we should be but we are both good people and I like her so that won't work. It actually makes it harder by not being her enemy.

He made a promise to me the other day and I do trust him, but I'm known for being more than a little irrational when I feel like the outcome of something is going to be negative. No matter what the outcome of this situation, it's going to be negative.

To be positive, there may not even be an outcome. There might not even be a situation... if there's not there most definitely was and it's already over... still with kind of a bummy result but we can only learn from this situation. I know for one I've learned a lot about myself, as well as him and her.

On a real bright side, it's sunny out again. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all.

Is it so bad I cry when it rains and smile when it shines? We, just like weather, can only change over time.

Ropes, Strings, and Girlfriends

I know that you guys who will be reading this out there are probably like, what the fuck is she talking about? This has turned more into a diary entry than a blog post, but I just needed to vent it all out of my system somehow and blogging it does it for me. I don't really care to explain, but it's my blog and I don't really give a shit if I have to leave a few people hanging.

What's the difference between a string and a rope?

Well, as long as it can hold what it needs too, the only difference is density.

This is the first time in my life I’ve fully come to understand the meaning of term “no strings attached.”

Craig has lots of little issues he's holding together with strings. Like fishing line strings that look like nothing but are really hard to break just by pulling.

Would it be way too metaphorical to give him a knife?

Yes. Yes it would. Especially since he probably wouldn’t use it to cut his strings but to stab what’s at the end of them.

Yeah... that may be going too far.

I like his ex-girlfriend. I really do. Sure she has her issues, but we all have issues and nobody has the right to judge them. And while I want to help her, Craig, and myself at the same time I really don't know how to make it so everybody ends up happy.

There’s a line in a song that I wrote at the end of last summer that says: “I’m sorry I can’t be everything you want, I’m sorry I can’t be everybody’s angel.” The song itself turned out pretty shitty, but that line keeps circling through my head.

I don’t like this position because I’m feeling really jealous, and it makes me wonder what he really wants with me. Quite bluntly I would love for him to cut all ties and keep him for myself but I’m not really like that.

If this were a normal situation, like OK: say we were all fighting over a piece of cake. I would definitely say, ok, I don’t need this very last piece of cake, let me cut it in half for both of you to share. I’m very much like that. I’d rather see other people happy than do things for myself.

In THIS situation however, I feel like I should be selfish and tell him I want him all to myself. Is that so wrong?

Thinking like that makes me feel like I'm not as good of a person as I thought of myself to be, but I also feel like that would be the right thing for him to do.

I suppose I will be ok with him having some ties, because it’s just not in me to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing or who they should talk to. I’m all about free will. It might drive me crazy but I suppose I’m willing to risk my sanity (the little bit I have…) for the happiness of others.

I’m crazy already so it shouldn’t matter as much. Not to mention when I’m with him I’m happy anyways. Am I trying to convince myself it’s ok? Yes. Am I unhappy with all of his strings? I’m not miserable, but I haven’t found my comfort zone yet.

I'm not quite sure what the outcome will be as of right now, but hopefully karma will be on my side here. It damn well better be or I'll be pissed.

This sums it up:

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me

Cause I feel alone

I want to go to Fantasyland

Edmonton is kind of a bunk-ass city.

But then again, so is Winnipeg, so I'll forgive them for being so bunk since there is now going to be a game seven!

Yes! I am so psyched!

On Monday after work I am starting to drink soon as I step into the parking lot on the way to the car.

I want Monday to be a perfect day. Well, I'd have to call in sick to work, and I can't really be affording to do that so I'll make it the perfect day from the end of work on.

I'll wear my favourite clothes, covered with a hockey jersey to suit the mood. Unfortunetly, all I have is the Jets or the Devils, so I'd better go with the Jets so I'm at least representin'.

I'll take a shot, maybe in the crew room while I'm changing; shotgun a coldshot on the way to the car; (no worries, I'm not driving); order pizza from the car; crank the Tragically Hip all the way to the house and possibly light a cigar. I'll drink Bavaria beer, and tomatoes and mushrooms on my pizza, Craig can have his own since he likes to eat icky dead animals soaked in grease. :P

What else could make it perfect? I've got the ultimate hockey game of the year, the ultimate apparel, the ultimate beer, the ultimate pizza, and the ultimate boy. I think this could be enough, but I'm sure the genious I am will come up with something to make it even more awesome later.

Going to the Red River Ex sometime this week. I'm supposed to go tonight but I'm bailing because we couldn't go until about 9:00pm, it closes at midnight, it's going to be raining, and they shut down the roller coaster because it smoked some guy in the head.

Dumbass.

Who puts their head in front of a moving ROLLER COASTER for Christ's sake?

Now one of my favourite rides is out of service until they investigate the situation, even though it was obviously attempted suicide.

... Well, honestly. Why else would he have his head there?

King's Head it is. I hope somebody gets me drunk.

Heal Over

It's not about him.

Or her.

It's all about how you handle yourself.

If something goes wrong and you feel bad, it may or may not be your fault it went wrong, but it is your fault you feel bad about it.

It doesn't take much to be an optimist, it's simply a choice of if you feel like being happy.

Blame is an excuse to cover what you've failed at.

It's ok to want to feel sad, or angry, frustrated and confused. That's just a part of life, and you need to experience that side of it to appreciate the other.

Anyways, this may seem random, but I felt like posting it up in hopes of... well I don't really know. Providing hope maybe.

Here's one of my favourite lyrics, I think I've posted it before but here it is again:

"I don't want to hear you tell yourself, that these feelings are in the past. You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf, because pain is built to last."

I'm actually really tired so these words may be a result of my mind wandering off to dreamland, but in lieu of making sense, here's the whole song.

I can't ever get enough of it.


"Heal Over"

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realize
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime

I'm over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't want to hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain is built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds

I'm over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

I'm over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over
Heal over, heal over, heal over someday

The Tequila Queen

It's funny how even though I have terrible luck I can still be generally happy with my situation.

This evening when I am finished work at this job, my music school job, I am going out for drinks with some people from my McJob, including my manager who I think hates me and has yet to speak to me about my no-show on Thursday, Craig, and Colette, and I forget who else actually but I'm looking forward to it anyways.

Bellini's on the patio at the Forks, it's going to be prime.

It's 25 Celcius out, and sunny as.

I went to the beach on Wednesday, and I finally have some sort of a tan going on, and I don't like pale and dead like all the other Winnipegers. I wish I was on vacation, but it's going to be a while before I can take one so I'm sort of pretending I am on one and living up my days as much as I can.

I do have a growing fear of not waking up though. After Thursday, I'm afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up late and screw it all up again. Is there such a phobia? What's it called? It really is getting to me, and my stomach literally turns and I get panicky just thinking about it. Am I being irrational? I don't really think so, since it is retardedly difficult for me to pull myself out of bed every morning, and it happens on lots of occasions where I'll look at the clock and it's later than I ever intended for it to be. Is there a pill I can take to be able to wake up?

That's probably the only situation I'm not optomistic about right now.

Last night I went out with Craig to IVF, which stands for International Vinyl Fridays I think. Craig is very much into the whole trance/techno scene. I like it, it's a lot of fun. Everybody on that scene always has so much energy and I love it. Even if it is because they're all on drugs, they're lots of fun.

So yes. Craig and I went out to IVF and I decided I would be the DD for the night to match my enormous boobs, (... yeah, right), and so after Craig had one drink and me a Red Bull, I decided one shot of tequila wouldn't hurt to help me loosen up a little and to try to match the trance crowds energy. So I went up to buy us a couple of shots, and I ran into this guy who's been coming in to my drive through for as far as I can remember.

This guy, we'll call him Gretzky, is always bringing me gifts and he's asked me out once, all through the drive through. Gretzky drives a 4X4 that's always covered in mud from crazy offroading. He makes $30 orders that take forever to make, and whenever I hand out his meals, he gives me something in return. I've got hundreds of chocolates, candies, burnt hip hop, rap, and top 40 CD's, Bif Naked tickets, and once an invitation to a bus party going to Regina with all the free food and alcohol I wanted.

Gretzky is overall a sweetheart, and last night, the first time I've seen him out of his car, he was trashed. I ordered Craig and I our tequila shots, and I was looking at Gretzky like I knew him from somewhere, and he at me, and at the very same time we yelled at each other "HEEEEEYYYY!!!" Gretzkey bought our drinks, and then bought himself one. We talked for a while and then Craig and I went to go dance.

Not too long later, a waitress came up to us on the dance floor with a couple of more drinks from him, tequila again with lemon and salt. It was in a larger glass and I couldn't figure out why until we took it when we realized they were actually doubles and there were ice in them, and we took it all at once.

I decided against driving for a few hours. At least I had the crazy energy going, and Craig is a cheap drunk so three shots of tequila and two beers in, he wasn't going to be driving anywhere. He ended up having one more drink that Gretzky had bought for me, and two more tequila shots.

I've never actually seen Craig drunk. I've seen him drink, probably at the most three or so beers. At the beginning of the night I told him to get drunk and he said maybe he'd have three drinks but I won and he had eight.

We left just after 2:00am, because I am not a cheap drunk and I am also the tequila queen so three shots after like three hours is ok. It doesn't even phase me. Three shots after half an hour is usually ok, only I wouldn't drive then just in case.

I'm sort of talking out of my ass in this post.

Why stop now?

I was dubbed The Tequila Queen in late December by the main bartender at the Pyramid. One night, after about six shots, he started buying them for me, just to see how far I could go. I stopped at 14, only because I had to be up in four hours for work, but I could have kept going. I have free tequila waiting for me every mod night if I so choose to go.

But seeing how mod night is full of lame assed posers now, I choose not to be seen with them. The tequila queen has better places to be showing off her great and awesome drinking skills.

And people to teach them to... like my boyfriend, who stumbled to the car and to bed and told me not to worry about emptying the garbage can so he can puke in it because he would just throw the whole thing out if that happened. He didn't though, but he passed out instantly and was quiet/sick/and/or/grumpy this morning driving me to work at 8:00am.

I thought it was cute.

You know what else is cute?

This purple tongue ring I got yesterday with a yellow star in the middle! Love it. And I stretched my ears to an 8 gauge which really really hurt, but now I've got these surgical steel hexagonal tunnels going through them and it's super cute.

I wish I could take and upload pictures of myself. I'm kind of vain like that.

Vanity rules.

Ok. I'm done my blog-fart. For now. Sometimes you just need to let it all out.

Time of hEll

"Do you work tomorrow?"

"Yup, 8 - 4!"

"Great, see you then."

Only they didn't see me then.

It was 11:34... upside down on a digital clock it spells hell. I figured that out when I was 9 and I had a fever for two days so I just lay in bed watching time and my world kept spinning and going upside down so I started reading all the times upside down. 11:34 has been my bad luck time ever since, and I see it twice on a daily basis.

Anyways, it was 11:34, and I tried to roll over to look at my clock but my face was half stuck to the pillow. 11:34. Holy shit. I sit up and rub my eyes, my face is sticky, and when I pull my hand away it's covered in blood. I look at my pillow, which is also covered in blood.

So I did what's natural for a girl who just realized that she fucked up and that she's covered in blood and I screamed. And I ran out into the living room in my birthday suit looking for Colette. I'm kind of glad she wasn't there now, and I'm pretty sure she's glad she wasn't either.

In that moment however, I didn't know what to do so I had sort of a crying breakdown thing and it turned out I had a nosebleed, like a giant one so I washed my face and hair and went down to the payphone and called Colette to see what to do.

Do I go into work? Should I even call? Should I lie and say there was somesort of horrible accident? I even considered picking my nose so I could bleed and give them some sort of legitimate excuse. If I showed up to work covered in blood, that would work right?

Then I decided against mentioning my nosebleed to anybody at work. Or even Colette, who I know I'll tell later. Colette said call work and ask Craig what to do. So I called my mom. My mom said to call work and ask Craig what to do. So I went up to my apartment and had a cigarette and cried because I was lightheaded. I went and threw up and then went outside to use the phone again and called Craig, who told me to haul my ass into work and they'd deal with me when I got there.

I hung up and cried some more. I felt like I got no sleep at all.

OK. If this was meant to be an ordinary day, I would have handled this a lot easier. But no. My main manager was going to be there. With his boss at that. And it had to be a Thursday, which are always stupidly busy, and Craig, who is my boyfriend, was managing too and was also having a pretty crappy day.

Craig's day started off with him running out of gas halfway to work because I didn't give him any gas money yesterday after we went to the beach. Last night when he dropped us off he seemed upset, I'm guessing because he has a ghost from the past who's actually very much not a ghost but a significant someone who's been harassing him. I find that if Craig's upset, I'm upset for him as well. I really care about him. A lot. His ghost also made an appearance on his phone this morning so he had a bad start. Then I didn't show up for work, and I screwed him over.

I didn't even stay up too late. But my mindstate sucked going to bed so that's probably what did it.

Anyways. I get to work just after 1:00pm.

Five hours late.

For my eight hour shift.

Everybody I work with just sort of stopped and stared as I walked by and someone started to say something but I didn't even stop and I went right to the office where Craig was there. Alone. My manager and his boss had left and are coming to talk to me tomorrow.

I started working at 1:30 and was still off at 4:00 to come to this shitty job I'm at now. And I can't get a hold of Craig and I've left him two messages to call me but I've heard nothing.

Words can't describe how shitty I'm feeling...

I'd post a picture to show you but blogger is being a baby and won't let me upload it.

It was just a picture of poop anyways.

More Guys and Sex and Kira

This was my original post in March. So, this time my problem has to do with lies and sex.

Especially since I'm probably the most pathetic forgiving person on the planet.

Not to mention, when people lie to me, I seem to always find out about it and I don't know why everyone thinks I'm so dumb I'm actually not and I can read people like crazy... when somebody keeps something from me I can tell there is something they aren't telling me.

It makes me want to be gay.

I wish I had a choice because if I did I'd choose girls.

Actually, girls lie to me too. I would choose some sort of third option similar to masturbation where you could just instantly satisfy yourself by only thinking about it.

That'd fucking rock.

Actually, I don't have a lot to say right now. I re-read that other entry and it sums up my feelings very acutely right now except I don't even need to get laid.

If you can't trust someone you don't have anything and I don't think I trust anyone except one person in my life right now and it's not who you would think it would be.

I don't mean to be depressing except this morning I woke up and sneezed a piece of my brain out my nose and now I think I'm dying so whatever.

Maybe it was the part of my brain that made my blog posts fun to read.

Here's a couple of jokes that I didn't write to make this entry better:

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

Summertime

And the livin' is easy,
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high.
Oh yo' daddy's rich
An' yo' ma is good lookin'
So hush, little baby,
Don't you cry.
One of these mornin's,
You's gonna rise up singin'
Then you'll spread yo' wings
An' you'll take the sky.
But till that mornin',
There's ain't nothin' can harm you
With your Daddy an' Mummy
Standin' by.

Searching for pictures, I found this:

Followed by none other than:

Spider! Crazy.

My other pictures wouldn't upload because blogger and my work computer are gay together.

Get paid on Thursday.

I'm getting my internet back.

Done this job June 17.

I'll be a free woman.

Except in relationship status... exciting new devolopments in that department yet to be blogged about.