temperamental peculiarity

New Blog

2007-10-03T22:19:00.000-05:00

I love this blog, but seeing as my life is completely changing around, it's time my blog does the same. Click here to see my new blog.

Lament

2007-08-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

So I haven't been blogging, but what else is new right?

Well there's a lot going on right now, the main event of which is that I am picking up and moving to Vancouver.

In May I bought a car, a 2004 Chevy Aveo, and decided I was going to take it on a road trip in June. The vacation was more than a little late than needed but perfect none the less. Mandy decided to join me at the last second and quit her job two hours before I left and came along with me.
We went everywhere we could with no money, and even made it to some places we really couldn't afford but luck followed us around anyways.
We went to Oliver in the Okanagan Valley,
Osooyos,
Penticton,
Around and through the State of Washington,
White Rock,
New Westminster,
Burnaby,
Vancouver,
North Vancouver,
Nanaimo, (on the island)
Parksville,
Tofino,
Ucelet,
Victoria,
Vancouver again,
and back to Oliver, and Osooyos again.

It was beyond an amazing trip, not to mention the ride to and from Winnipeg was incredibly beautiful (well, West past Calgary anyways).

I love it out there and decided it will be best for me to move out there because here (in Winnipeg) really doesn't feel like home to me, and it hasn't for a long time. I have so much more opportunity out there and I can't explain the feeling that comes over me the second I enter the mountains, or the drive to Oliver, or walking through Vancouver city not surrounded by flatness with no intrigue but by snow covered giants reaching forever upwards into the clouds. The love I have for that whole province can't be found in many places here around Winnipeg.

Though since the beginning of August, I've began to find a few things that I have to leave behind that will be hard. Like the music at the King's Head, the drive down River Road, and my family. I can't start to compare friends, because my friends are awesome in both provinces. That's not to say leaving them won't be difficult, or that they're being replaced. Just that they're incomparable.

The thing that's going to be hardest to leave, are my secrets. I know deep inside my secrets make me selfish, and when I'm selfish I find I actually become more of someone who I'm not than someone who I am. I definitely don't want them to follow and haunt me, or for a regret of not sharing them when I had the chance so I'm going to leave them right now.

Before May of this year, were harsh months. In fact, the whole year of 2006 was really difficult for me.

I moved into my own apartment downtown in January 2006, because I decided that I still wasn't ready for school, I loved the partying way of life, and I had a new philosophy pushed on me right before the beginning of the year: "Don't worry about it." I used it towards everything, and stopped worrying. I gambled away $600 I had been saving for school which was why I was kicked out of my parents house, and on New Year's eve 2005 I decided to make "Don't worry about it" my New Year's Resolution.

It was New Year's day I started buying and frequently using hard drugs. In particular, cocaine. I obviously didn't plan it to be an addiction, and I definitely wasn't worried about it so I let it slide. I didn't worry about money because I was working two jobs, 7 days a week so it kept the cash flow going.

In March, I had a friend who had alcohol and drug problems come stay with me. I wanted to help her, but I was also ridiculously selfish at the time, more concerned with love affairs and partying. I had become friends with a lot of bands in the local music scene so I felt like a star, and I didn't plan on quieting down even to help a friend anytime soon.

In April, I went down to the States to see KT Tunstall. I knew I couldn't bring drugs with me over the border so I went three days without them and had one of the best times of my life. When I got back, I went straight back into them, and went to a huge rave where I started to get into ecstasy. One day, my friend who was staying with me, her mother called me at work, and we had an intervention on her which ended up really helping her but she and I both knew it was entirely hypocritical. I knew at that point my drug and alcohol abuse was out of control and I needed help too, but I decided still not to worry about it even though partying had started to be less fun.

June came along and I stopped doing drugs while I had a boyfriend for all of what? Two, maybe three weeks? That was a situation I never should have caught myself up in. In my mind, I thought he gave me the power to leave all the bad stuff and negative influences of my life behind me but his situation ended up being really fucked up so he broke it off with me and with my mentality of needing him, I went right back into a more negative mindset than ever.

Most of the summer and fall was a blur of drama, drugs, and depression. I took a vacation in November, and decided to quit drugs before it, remembering how great the KT Tunstall trip was without them. The depression didn't go away though. I had an amazing adventure through the States and while I was traveling I truly was happy, but the depression that lingered in the back of my mind that I still had to go home and all my negative situations were still there waiting for me. On my vacation after the States, I found myself with a friend I used to do blow with from Winnipeg who'd moved to Vancouver and we ended up on a crazy and dangerous adventure and an 8 ball. I hesitated for a moment knowing it was fucking dumb but we did it anyways.

Words can't describe the feeling I had after. I'd never felt so stupid in my life. My heart was racing faster than it ever had my mind was racing even faster with terrible depressed thoughts and I knew at this point I couldn't do it again. Especially since I was going back to a place I had created for myself to hate. How could I survive it if I felt the way I did and doing the drugs made me feel worse?

In December, my sister's boyfriend came to stay with me from Nova Scotia. He and I had similar mentalities and while I know he's a good guy, our minds were not good for each other so we drank the month away and then after Christmas I moved out with a friend from work and her boyfriend.

The year was over, I had been off drugs for almost two months, and it was a New Year. I liked my new roommates and they definitely didn't do drugs. They had some complicated situations that people gossiped about but then again who doesn't? I was comfortable. Not happy yet, but comfortable.

By the time my birthday had rolled around in February, I had decided that I was going to move to Vancouver in May, and I had also decided to slow down on my drinking. I stopped hanging around with many of my friends because I didn't want to be around the drugs and started making new friends at work and with my roommates. By the end of the month I had gotten close with all of them, and I guess you could say we all liked to gossip. I tried not to gossip, and if I did it wouldn't be behind a person's back. I still stand by what I said: "I've never said anything behind someones back that I haven't said to their face." At least among those friends.

On March 3rd, a series of events happened. A close friend broke up with his first love, an exboyfriend of mine broke up with a kind of friend of mine and kicked her out, there was a UFC party at my apartment we had been planning for a while and all my work friends came and got drunk, and both broken up couples showed up at scattered times and I was only there for maybe half that time. I had a terrible feeling about the whole evening so I didn't drink and everybody was either yelling or whispering behind everybody's backs. Feeling uncomfortable, I left the party and went to my parents place to sleep.

On March 4th, I got kicked out of my apartment and slept at the McDonald's I work in.
What happened? I still don't know all the facts, and probably never will, but there were lots of people who had secrets come out, and somewhere along the line someone said I was talking shit about my roommates behind their backs, I hated them, and I was going to move to BC, and that my exboyfriend had broken up with my kind of friend (at the time) to get back together with me and move with me. Of course, only the part about me wanting to move to BC was true, but it wasn't official which is why I hadn't said anything to them, and none of the other stuff was true at all. No, I didn't like their issues that they had but it was none of my business so I stayed out of it as much as I could. Without trying to swing the situation out of context for anybody to take my side or lean my way, what I got out of the situation is that my friends got so caught up in their own webs of lies, and instead of taking it out on each other they tried to find a way to blame me because I wasn't there at the time and I wasn't as close to them as they all were to each other. I don't even think it was deliberate. Things got out of control and it was a way out for them all to not be as hurt.

But I was hurt. And I was homeless. I stayed with friends I hadn't seen in a while, I stayed at my store, I stayed with people I barely knew and even my exboyfriend. My coworker/roommate told me later because I had payed rent I could've stayed there until the end of the month, but there was a fear factor involved when my boss drove me to the apartment to get some clothes a few days later and advised me not to go in and even offered a couch at his house because he'd heard of a note posted on my door, (by who I still don't know), that said something along the lines of: "You dirty cunt, I'm going to rape you if you show up here again."

I had lost all my friends from the past couple of months who were the only ones I saw on a regular basis, and I just about lost my job because of the rumours, the awkwardness, and the lack of communication at work.

In the midst of all this, I slept with this guy I really shouldn't have slept with because I stayed with him, I had no self esteem, and I was going to do anything to feel better and I thought it'd make me feel great. I didn't. I got sick, I felt slutty, I felt used even though I used him just as much, and I dabbled in cocaine again one night shortly after when I had nowhere to go and I found myself at a friend's place where I used to do drugs.

I had a friend in Junior high who once said, "No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse." And they kept on getting worse, and I kept on getting sicker, my stress level was at an all time high and I needed a place to live. So, my exboyfriend who had kicked out my kind of friend couldn't afford his apartment anymore and we decided to rent out a house together, simply because we both needed a place stay.

After moving in, and two weeks of missing my period and being sick, I knew what was coming was my own fault and inevitable. I couldn't abort it. It's just not in me to do that. What other women do is up to them, but in my heart I knew I couldn't do it. So I did my very best to turn my mindset around, and in my mind, I was going to do everything to be the best mother ever and started to love myself again, if only for the life of the baby inside of me.

Sometimes, life can bring something so unexpected, so twisted and far from what you thought was going to come your way, that you're left in a state where there is no more room for rationality.

To help you understand my mindset, let me reiterate: I had lost my home, lost my friends, almost lost my job, my family didn't want to have anything to do with me because they knew about the drugs, I lost all hopes of ever leaving this city that I hated with so much passion and with that had given up my dreams, and then along comes this life inside of me and I knew this was my chance to start over and live with meaning again.

And I went to the clinic, fully, honestly, ready to do everything for this child inside me and they have the results in hand after waiting forever to get them back and they ask me:

"Have you been under any unusual stress recently?"

What a funny question to ask. I expected questions about std's, my "last partner", job security and financial care, and they ask me about stress.

Of course I answer yes, and tell them a few things about what's been happening in my life. They give me a suicide hotline number, (no joke), a pamphlet of counseling sessions I could go to, and then tell me that there's something wrong with my hormones, my stress level has probably made them way off their own normal levels, and then they tell me I am pregnant but I'm going to lose the baby within the next couple weeks because it's not going to develop properly.

How is a person supposed to react to that? I didn't know. On one hand, I won't have the burden of being a single mother, on the other, I was expecting to be and had accepted the situation and put what was left of my heart and soul inside of it. Where does that leave me? Well, it left me with nothing. I felt completely empty. I told my friend who came with me, and the couple other people that knew I might've been pregnant that I wasn't. I might as well not have been.

I went home and lay in bed in the afternoon. I couldn't stay on any train of thought and I lost my mind. I was numb. I was dead. I slit my writs open because I didn't want to live, or maybe I slit my wrists open to let me know I was still alive. I still don't know. But I watched myself bleed and tried to think of beautiful things but everything I could think of was ugly.

Somewhere in me, I told myself I was selfish and that there was still love in this world but I had shut myself out from it. I asked myself where I could find love. I thought of my mom, my dad, my little brother, and Colette.

I couldn't call my parents though. I know they would only show me their disappointment, and their emotions would only make me feel guilt and I didn't want to feel guilt. I wanted to feel something, even sad but guilt might make me feel rational for my actions. So I called Colette, and she came over and she held me and she loved me and she took me out to see A Night at the Museum which wasn't really a good movie at all, but I cried at every point somebody felt sad or any negative emotion at all even though it was a comedy.

April was spent building up strength, and learning what I could look forward to, and finding what I could enjoy. I miscarried two... three weeks? (I had stopped counting days) into the month and it was a horrible experience but I shoved it to the back of my mind and kept working on being happy. In May I bought my car and planned the road trip. And I haven't touched cocaine in months and never will again. I haven't had sex with anyone since March, and I still really don't feel up for it with anyone for a long time and there have been a few guys in the last 4 months that have been interested, and I liked them but I shut them out undeservedly because of fear.

I'm still scared to trust people. I'm scared of commitment and even friendship. I'm still nice to everyone but I'm working on getting rid of this fear that everybody will suddenly turn their backs on me... I'm scared of betrayal, which is ultimately what I felt and it cut me deep. I'm working on it but I still don't know if I'll ever look at humanity the same way I once did.

Now I have 12 and half days until I move to the place of my dreams. I'm not perfect, but I'm happy with myself and have found this confidence that I've never ever had before. I've got the "Don't worry about it" attitude again, but I'm using it with my logic this time, so it's only not to stress myself out and not to make stupid decisions. I don't like to think I'm running away from my problems, because I've fixed or at least tried my best to fix them all while I'm here. Part of which is this entry in itself, which is for everybody yet only for myself so I can let go of the problems and secrets of which mostly I only know. I posted this song to start, but now it may not even be necessary that I've wrote it all out, which in full honesty, I didn't expect to do.

It's a relief.

Lament

Late on one past winter evening
I found my life had lost its meaning
And so I thought what to lose by
Trying something new?
I tried letting go and cutting strings of
Everything I've ever held on to
But got tangled in a web where I found you

The final winter passed but
Springtime held a sorry song
They told me you were sick
And that you couldn't last for long
I felt my heart implode inside me
As my soul slipped out and by me
It had only been a short time
But what left of me was gone

You were everything I'd prayed for
And everything I'd saved for
Even in the coldest times
I had still held on
I never thought a time would come
I'd see the falling of the sun
Who ever thought a shooting star
Would mean the end to all my dreams?

So I fell into my bed in the early afternoon
I couldn't fathom how it had ended all so soon
My mind decided this was too much and it would leave me too
Girl with nothing left but body you would do it too

One for love and
One for hate
One for the soul that left no trace
One for the heart dead inside
One for the mind I couldn't find
One for the dreams I couldn't reach
One for the friends I couldn't teach
One for the home I never had
One for jobs I fucked up bad
One for the failures when I really tried
One for the apathy that made me lie
One for wishes never come true
One for me
One for you

To Kari

2007-06-22T21:52:00.000-05:00

>From: Kari Van <frosty_@yahoo.com >>
To: Kira Gouriluk <oishii17@hotmail.com>>
Subject: Re: FW: armin>Date: Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:45:32 -0700 (PDT)
>>KIRA where r u? gone yet? wtf !!!! have a good trip duuudette 8

hey man thanks and i amright now i'm in van, two days ago i was in the states, and the couple days before that i was in oliver. tonight cole and ryan and duncan and a couple other guys are driving to van and there is a huge party i am throwing at the cambie... and jen is probably coming and so is my friend kiran that i met in turkey and all my blogging peeps. then tomorrow i'm going to a party in chilliwack, and then the next day benny is coming out with us to the island where we'll probably stay until friday when i'm coming back for jen's graduation jello shooter party. after that it's back to oliver so hopefully i can turn back and there will be a huge fucking canada day celebration and then sometime after that i'm coming home but i'm really thinking of moving out here sometime soon.

how are things with you?

miss you, and colette, but definitely not winnipeg.

love,kira

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On my way...

2007-06-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

24 Hours before I go, and I still have 17 hours of work ahead of me... so I will not have access to a computer again.

Got all my shit together, just need money but I may be SOL on that one. I'm thinking of maybe hitching to and from Vancouver and the island and leaving my car in Oliver. Oh well, there will be updates.

I will probably be in Oliver next time I'm able to blog so I should have lots of adventurous stories to tell. Unless I die. Then someone else will have to blog about it.

I'm way too psyched right now, all I gotta say is WHOOOOOO!

(I love being an adventurous nerd.)

The drive...

2007-06-15T13:59:00.000-05:00

My Map

7 days 10 hours and 33 minutes

2007-06-11T03:27:00.000-05:00

At work we ran 12% labour today... and it should've been at 22%. Which means we could afford to have had 12 more people working that's how busy it was.

Those damn Sunday customers are certainly lovin' it.

Sunday customers are usually the church/family crowd.

The church crowd are usually of Ukrainian Catholic or Protostant religions, so they believe in practicing things like kindness, patience, and forgiveness. Well, all these Christians that come to my McDonalds after church are going to Hell for being the the most unforgiving, unpatient redneck ugly assholes in the existance of church goers. Either that or the devil's possessed them all. I hate sundays. Especially double shifting it and seeing them for 17 hours of my day.

And there's my rant. On another note, this and this are the most morbid things in the facebook/myspace world I've come across.

I like myspace more than facebook which I was reluctant to join. However I find myself going back to it every day, or maybe twice or three times if I'm around a computer. I've added all sorts of applications. Hilary Duff - Happy (which is my current favourite song to rock out to) plays in the background, but unlike myspace it won't annoy people at my page by coming on soon as you click on it, they have the option to push play if they want to. (And they should because it's so awesome!) I've added Amnesty International as a cause on my page which people can donate to, or just sign up to make people more aware of what they do.

My favourite though, is my hotlist. I have all these little icons in the side bar of my favourite things in life, that will show 8 of them at a time, and then randomize again when they come back to the page. I look at it and for some reason or other it makes me really happy in a little girl type of way. I have everything from Red Bull to America's Next Top Model to Sushi to Sunshine to Giraffe to Colette.

I guess it reminds me that life has a lot of good things to offer too.

Oh life

2007-06-03T18:01:00.000-05:00

Hilary Duff is my hero.

She will be here on July 28th.

I am not going.

I can't afford to go to BC, but I am going anyways, which means I may not make it back.

This adventure means everything to me.

If anybody wants to come with, I could use an extra adventurer.

June 18th

2007-05-29T04:17:00.003-05:00

I think it's time I do this post.

I keep putting it off. Starting it, deleting it.

I'm afraid people will read it. I'm afraid people will judge me and hate me for my choices.

I guess I should've thought about that before I made those choices.

I used to live with no regrets.

I used to blog because I hoped people would read it, and judge me and love me for my writing.

Now I can't post out of fear of regret.

For now, I fail you Tony.

Is this what I think it is?

2007-05-26T03:22:00.001-05:00

This truck with BC plates on it races by me going west on highway 1.
What you see here is expedited (blank) service.I sped up to fill in the blank and to believe my own eyes.
Sweet.

Let The Rain Fall Down

2007-05-25T02:46:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at home, plastered to the couch with the tv on, on a rainy day and this shitty movie that took place in Ontario came on. For a while I had had an overwhelming sense of needing to get out and do something but had constrained myself to the couch because it was raining. I decided to go to Ontario.

So I picked Colette up downtown and told her we were going to leave the province. She was hesitant but I told her we could play her mystery hip hop cd and she was in. I was thinking of hitting up Thunder Bay and staying the night but Colette had to be back for work in the morning so we went to Kenora.
I tried to put these in a somewhat consecutive order but gave up because I'm using Windows Vista and the controls on here are too fucked up for my cute little Mac oriented fingers to understand and I gave up.
It poured pretty much the whole way there.
We stopped for dinner and a pint at a cute little pub called The Whistling Monkey. We had a hot waitress, great food, fast service, good prices, and walking to the washroom was an adventure in itself. I highly recommend it if you need a little beer and grease to make your day.
This is the first hill going East in Manitoba. I was SO happy to see it!
Dork.
Getting Dark...
Colette in a Scottish-like-mini-close.

I hate my province. I don't particularly like Ontario but it least it can be pretty even on grey days.

Coming Soon!... Moving Spontaneously to BC...

Can I afford to be more emo?

2007-05-18T22:41:00.000-05:00

This picture was not taken on March 3rd. This picture was taken last summer when I was at pretty much my only happy point in the year around the end of June beginning of July.

If you haven't read Hospital Music by Matthew Good, or Ciavarro's Truth Post, you should read them to get the idea behind what a true writer has inside of them. Why haven't I blogged - like, really blogged for a year now?

I have monsters in my closet I don't want anybody know. There are so many things out there, (... in here?) that I and only I know. It's one of those things where I want to let it all out but I know my world will turn around if I did.

I know that everybody has secrets and everybody has to suck it up once in a while but I've been doing it for over a year and these aren't your everyday secrets. They're secrets of love, lust, betrayal, revenge, pain, suicides, life, adventure, sex, babies, drugs, and death. They're the kind of secrets that can eat away an entire person the same way piranhas can devour a cow.

(I google imaged "piranhas eat cow" but I guess I wasn't feeling lucky today.)

I keep having days, and yesterday the worst so far, where I feel so trapped and claustrophobic I panic because unless I pick up and leave everything, there is no escaping everything I've been through and the life I've created around me. I love the people in my life but I want to hate them. I want to blame them for my situations and my choices but in reality I've created this for myself.

I hope to be having a coming clean fullout honest truth post soon so I can be back to blogging about cool and nerdy things other than myself but until then I am still restricting myself so I don't ruin what life I have left.

Emo-kids are fucking losers. I can't wait to not be one.

3(8) Days

2007-05-10T22:58:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been having three kinds of days, and they go in this order.

1) Way too happy and excited about life days
2) Extremely stressed out but faking it with a smile days
3) Shit days

I look forward to day 1, which is unfortunetly always immediately followed by day 2. If I'm feeling strong still, (strong = not on the verge of an emotional and mental breakdown), I may have two day 2s in a row.

Usually not though, lately it's been a steady 1,2,3. And then another 3. And sometimes another.

Then I'll wake up and play some Hilary Duff or The Grates and I'll have another day 1.
Today is a day 3, and yesterday was a day 2. It's hard to predict tomorrow because it's going to be miserable weather outside, but I am getting a new car, I have the day off of work, and I'm going to drink with some friends I haven't seen in a while. If there are drugs at this social gathering it will probably turn into a day 3 and I'll go home to bed.

On another note, 38 days until BC. That's a potential 13 day 1s, 13 day 2s, and MAYBE only 12 Shit Days left... uhh... I don't know how to feel about that. :S

Happy McHappy Day

2007-05-09T23:37:00.000-05:00

Today was the busiest day in the history of my store. I worked 10 hours and made a possible $10,000. A normal busy day we make about $5000. I'm dehydrated, I'm a bit hysterical, I'm exhausted but most importantly I polished off a half fullish 26 and I am drunk.

It was fun. And not fun a bit too.

Goodnight.

Beach Time

2007-05-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

I think it's about due time I bought a good digital camera.
I went to the beach today. The beach was beautiful, the sky was beautiful, everything seemed exceptionally beautiful today but most of all I looked fucking hot.

Dammit. What kind of blogger doesn't have a good camera?

On the note of buying things, I am buying a car in a week. My first car that's my own.
Ok, well not the first. My first brand new car that I've gone out and bought.

The first was my Grandad's K car from the 70's. I drove it to school the first day I had it and it never made it home.

Then a couple months ago, my mom gave me the car I learned how to drive on. Her 1990 Dodge Colt. I drove it for two weeks.

Dead. It's been dying for a few years now, but now that I have it it's dead.

So Craig gave me his car to drive now that he's in the army. He's gone for 5 days and I have to take it in for repairs. His is a 2004 Kia Rio. It's nice, fun to drive, but it's just under 100,000kms. So I got what was left under the warrenty done, but the rest is going to cost about $1000 plus $300 for a new timing belt that needs to be changed.

The thing is, I'm actually a really good driver. I'm nice to my cars, I like cars. So I'm going to buy a new one. I don't know what kind but not a chevy, NOT A FORD, for gods sake chryslers are out, or any old people type boat-cars.

I'd like a Volkswagon. Or maybe a Mitsubishi is more in my price range. With standard drive. I've come to despise automatics.

Something fun to drive to BC with. In 41 days.

I'm SO excited.

And Tony says to come again at the end of July for blogfest... we'll see what I can pull off. I kind of already have a secret plan up my sleeve. Muhahahahaha!

I dance like spiderman

2007-05-05T19:06:00.000-05:00

I need to find a way to hook up the internet to my computer... even if it means dragging my giant 1997 iMac down the stairs and hooking it up in my roommates' and my living space.

I have lots to blog about, and whenever I feel inspired I'm nowhere near a computer with internet.

I don't have a lot to say right now... or maybe I have too much to say but I have not disappeared.

I'm just here being me. Without internet.

I may look sad in this picture, but I actually have a giant piece of sushi in my mouth and I'm in heaven.

the rat who would be king

2007-04-27T19:19:00.000-05:00

i took this picture april 26, 2005.

its been a while since ive visited matt goods blog. dont get me wrong, i love his writing but ive been feeling kind of shitty lately and i cant take hearing about all the shit thats going in the world and my country anymore with any motivation to do anything because im down and i only let it bring me down further. i dont know how much you knew about what was going on with him since october but i didnt know any of it other than he went to the hospital.

and then on the radio they say he has a new record coming out called hospital music, so i check his blog today for the first time in a while and click on hospital music.
matthew good has been one of my heroes since i was 12. i'm now 22.
matt is the reason why even though i love all music, i am a rocker at heart.
matt is one of the reasons my dad and i can get along... but that's a complicated story.
matt is the reason i have a blog and that i've heard of blogging.
matt is the reason i met and am friends with tony, and nate, and connected with so many others.
matt has done so many things for me and he has no idea.

heroes are funny people. not funny as in humourous funny but strange funny. they do things for you, and inspire you, and help you all without having any idea who you are or what they're doing other than following their own dream.

heroes are normal people. hell, i could even be somebody's hero and not know it... i know i'm probably not but i can hope that maybe one day if i make through whatever this is i'm going through i might be.

if i were to see matt and say something to him i don't know what i could say. i can't make him better. he can't make me better. we're both on our own and we have to choose our inspirations if we want to get better. of course i would choose my heroes, and my friends, but it all really comes down to me.

one of the lines that i live by is "every now and then baby, ain't it good to be alive?"
i don't know if he wrote that for a person or not... seeing as the song itself is called 'song for the girl' but regardless, its an amazing line that i hope he can take to find something beautiful in his day whenever he hears or thinks of it.

Mad World

2007-04-27T14:21:00.000-05:00

Everyone`s smiling but I make myself left out

2007-04-26T23:18:00.000-05:00

Was it a song i heard? Or was I talking about it with somebody? Or was it in a movie?

I don`t remember, but I remember hearing sometime in the last week or so saying: ¨memories are all we`ll ever have in life so what we make of the moments we have now are what we`ll have to look back on later¨.

It stuck with me. Because while you can choose your outlook on situations, there are some situations out there that you just can`t choose. Say a friend dying for instance.

In order to choose a situation, you have to be able to forsee an outcome of a situation.

This is where the future ties into this philosophy. You have to look at how each word will say, step you take, choice you make will affect everyone around you and how their actions in turn will affect your mood.

In order for all your memories to be happy you have to have a great mindset all the time and therefore you have to see the best in things and make sure every action you take is the right one for yourself and for the people around you and there is no room for mistake because when you make a mistake, you can fuck it all up in an instance.

And this is where bad memories come from. This is why even now you can look back on some situations in life and say wow that was terrible.

The quote bothers me because it`s completely irrational to think that anyone can have a life of 100% completely happy memories. And what about the moment your in? How can you enjoy it if you have to worry about the past and future at the same time?

I`ve thought way too deep into this. I`m really tired tonight and I`m having another one of those days where unpredictable things keep flying at me to throw me off guard and I just read this poem by a girl I work with that made me cry because it`s exactly how I feel only I`m not allowed to say stuff like that because it will ¨affect everyone around me and how their actions in turn will affect my mood.¨... even though that`s gone to shit anyways again today. Somehow I fucked up the keyboard on Craig`s computer so sorry if this shows up with weird characters throughout the post.

Simple Things

2007-04-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

Other than HD, I've now seen all of my heroes live.

AVB, MG, KT, and my Auntie Alison.

Armin was in Winnipeg on Thursday night. I have more pictures yet to come. I spent a ridiculous amount of money on the show, my ticket, my friend's tickets, my dress, my shoes, my makeup, my hair, my drinks that people kept drinking... which was ok because I didn't want to have many anyways, the limo and even more but I won't get into details.

It's like a fucking mastercard commercial.

Priceless.

So was meeting Matthew Good a few years ago, sneaking out back with Kelsey seeing if there was even a chance, meeting Doug, Rae, and that other girl who were kind of ridiculously obsessed with him but they were fun.

So was being broke but hopping a bus alone to Chicago to go see KT Tunstall anyways, meeting and having adventures with Nate along the way.

Now Armin Van Buuren, who like all my heroes seem a world away most days was right there in mine. A normal guy... well maybe a little more attractive than normal guys... just having fun and living his dream. Being recognized for it. That's who my heroes are. They are normal people I can relate to that go and do what I haven't been able to. (FYI, my Aunt won the Nobel Peace Prize with MSF and has risked her life to help others for years at a time).
After the show Armin's manager came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go meet him because between the two of them they had noticed me. Noticed me how? I don't know, enjoying the show I guess, dancing, closing my eyes and taking in the music, not being a stupid e-tard or drunken idiot trying to catch his attention like lots of people who kept trying to grab him. But anyways, he asked if I wanted to go meet and talk him and I said no. I gave him my name, and told him that I came up with questions for LAist for the New Year's Eve show. He seemed kind of confused that I lived in Winnipeg, but then I told him that I would see him again sometime, and took off.

I couldn't quite figure out why I said no, only that it would've upset me if I did. I think I've got it now. All the things I've done in the last year or so that make me really happy, traveling, concerts, just being with the greatest people in the world, make me feel bad afterwards because it doesn't last. I'll put a lot of effort in a short amount of time into something I love, and realize if I did this all the time, I could have this all the time. If I set goals for myself, I acheive them.

It's not hard to pick up and take random vacations around the world, so every once and a while I do it. It's not hard to find the best people, so I have them. It's not hard to rock out to your favourite music and sing and dance your heart out so I do it all the time but it's still not enough.

I hold my heroes in the highest respect level there is. Right along with my parents and my best friends in the world. I see them as normal people who do incredible things and I want to somehow be able to give that back.

And I can.

But I don't.

Simple things like cleaning my room and unpacking my belongings or saving money for school are the hardest and most essential. Say if I unpacked, I would find my music production textbook, and I would have my computer set up, and I could load up cubase and grab my guitar and write more awesome music because that's what I'm meant to do.

How can I aim so high but have my heart so far from just getting up and doing it?
Failure hurts. I'm afraid of it. "Even if you fail, you know that no one really minds."-KT
The one line in that song I doubt. When I fail, I let everyone down, because it's them I do it for. And maybe they don't mind only because they never know what I could've done for them.

In the same respect, how can I sit here and not try? If I don't want to do it for myself, how can I tell myself I'd do anything for a person, and then fail them by not trying? "Anything is Possible, No Matter How Incredible"-HD So why don't I do it?

I've always had trouble with the simple things. Since I was a kid. I'm a dreamer, and I see everything as wonderful and incredible. I love hearing people's stories of living out their dreams, especially when it comes to music. So I believe it's possible, but I look at the big picture and world behind it and everything there is to overcome and give up out of plain old fear and apathy. The worth of effort.
"I am torn between what I know and what I dream. Simple things."-AVB

So I leave you with a post that inspired me two years ago by MG, that kind of makes me feel shitty now because I still haven't moved forward, just got older. But it's so true. And anytime is a good time, I just have to choose one. I need to believe in myself like I believe in my heroes and friends, instead of waiting around for them to believe in me. That's the hardest simple thing of all.

"July 8, 2005

For everything a price. The price of ignorance is celebrating freedoms that are routinely debased, replaced instead by the white noise of picture perfect lives beamed out through the night into the hearts of decaying inner cities, disparaged farming towns, and quaint Middle Class gated communities. Spellbound, our sybaritic patient lays silently watching the drops slip slowly down the tube shoved in their arm, a smile made and daily celebrated by hundreds of millions of parasites too bemused to realize that they are feeding on themselves.
Long legged blondes with bronzed skin, tall rugged men with sculpted features, parents and children laughing at the dinner table, eating microwaved gourmet, comfortably pacified, the family dog laying bewildered on the back porch, casually watching a homeless man pick through the garbage.
When the machine consumes more than it produces then it is a machine meant for destruction, not creation. When good ideas need guns and missiles to promote them, then what ever led you to believe that they were good ideas?
If we are this empty, then you have the rest of your life to figure out one simple thing – what is so dangerous about being full?
Making a difference in the world starts at only one place: with you. And despite the distractions that would have you believe otherwise, there is no convenient alternative. It is neither easy nor without risk, financially rewarding or at all popular. But then, nothing worth doing ever has been.
Every new day is a chance to turn it around. Maybe tomorrow will be your first day. Maybe tomorrow you’ll just start to think about it a little more and, in time, might find yourself a little closer than you’d previously been. Either way, we are all individually responsible for making that choice, just as we are all equally responsible for our collective failure.
But never let it be forgot, nor its import disregarded; the willful ignorance of the people is the most powerful military weapon in the world."

The worth of effort - revisited two years later

2007-04-04T15:11:00.000-05:00

I wrote this about two years ago, and it still stands as the most personal post I've ever done which was at the time inspired by Jenny Good who did a video post with a similar idea. I have a lot of growing up to do... a lot of this still stands as who I am today. Some of it needs editing, for better and for worse. The edits are in blue.

4/26/2005
The worth of effort - real edition

This is me.

This is me in this moment. And most moments this far.
I am a young woman.

I have a bright future, but I question it sometimes.

I am a believer in peace.

I am a believer in love.

I am afraid to express my feelings of love to he and those I care for most who I know can't feel the same love for me. But I have.
There isn't anything that hurts more.

And for myself only, I am a believer in a God who is a believer in me.

I am a piece of music.

I am a rocking out symphony orchestra!

I am complex, yet painfully simple.

I am accepting of all good things.

I stand up to harmful things... most of the time.

Sometimes I just stand in the shadows and hide.

I am still trying to stop doing that.

I get scared sometimes - a lot of times - and I don't know why.

I have nothing to hide.

I AM the most important person in the universe.

So are you.

I believe in equality.

I love my friends way too much.

I hope I never lose them.

I believe in family.

I am an Earth child, and a vegetarian.

I will never deliberately cause harm.

Sometimes I do cause harm out of carelessness, or shyness, but mainly fear of pain in the first place.
To others, and definitely for myself.

Sometimes I let apathy get the best of me.

I am still trying to get better at that too.

I am forgiving of others and myself.

Mainly others, it's hard to forgive myself most of the time.

I live life to the fullest.

Usually.

Not so often anymore.

I want to...

I am a SPONTANEOUS ADVENTURER!

I never... rarely... give up.

Giving up is the hardest and easiest thing to do.

I believe ANYTHING is possible, no matter how incredible.

I am happy to be ALIVE.

I learn.

I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love. I love.

I have no regrets.

Eternal Electronic Sunset

2007-04-03T12:37:00.000-05:00

I'm not preggos. And thank goodness.
I went to the clinic and was reminded of 2am by Anna Nalick and What It's Like by Everlast.
The doctors say extreme stress is the reasoning behind my body fucking up on me, as well as my mind and emotions.
I'm essentially a nutcase as a result of all the events that happened this past month. They want to go to more doctors, get more tests, and even check myself in for a while.
The funny thing is, I knew I was in a stressful situation... no make that situations... but I figured I was handling myself pretty well until they said otherwise.
Then, I had a sort of an "I'm insane celebration" by totally losing it on myself when I got home and kept losing it till Colette came and saved me and took me out of the house.
Anyways, I'm sort of on edge and am considering meds even though I don't really like the idea of them.
I don't really have a lot to blog about today. I've had so many cool thoughts and analogies but I can't really put it down to words right now.

What if it turned out we were all misunderstood?

2007-03-30T23:38:00.000-05:00

There are rules.
When it comes to relationships there are rules and guidelines.
These change from relationship to relationship but if you and your other aren't on the same page, it's going to end bad. Real bad.

I'm a believer in there are no bad people. Or at least I try to be.
Now I'm beginning to believe that if anybody does something to hurt someone, whether deliberately or just being aware that the other will get hurt by an action that you "have" to take, that can make you a bad person.

I made a mistake, and it's kind of eating away at me. Somebody is going to get hurt and it's going to be my fault. We're all good people, we're all bad people.

Choice words don't help, they hide truth. Well the truth is going to come out sooner or later whether it's now or months later and it's going to suck no matter what the timing.

On kind of a different note, I've been really sick. In the mornings for the past week and a bit. And I'm 2 weeks late. That's another thing that's been eating away at me. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow.

I wonder when my posts will be happy again, and not so horrifically emo and worrysome with pieces of truth but not the whole truth because the whole truth gets me into trouble.

I should take my own advice: Half truths are just as bad as lies.

Rope Bridges

2007-03-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

Do I build or do I burn?

I did this post on May 6th, 2006 last year and found it while trying to find hot pics of me for Alyson to show her hot friend from work. (I didn't find any...)

I thought I'd do another repost, since I've already done one this week and I need some way to alleviate my feelings.

This started as a MySpace bulletin:

I got this idea from Rob who got it from some hobo and I liked it a lot. These are the top 6 people in my life as of right now, who affect it the most. Surprisingly, or maybe not, none of them are family.

To Anonymous Person ..1:

After all these shenanigans with people thinking that I'm a dirty liar and a two faced bitch, I'm surprised you still have faith. I like you a lot, and you are almost identical to my best friend in high school, only you aren't a lesbian... on that note it would be hot if you were but that's not the point. I want us to be really good friends but you know by now I do have a past. And it's not perfect, but while I don't regret anything, if situations came up now that came up then I would do them differently. I hope that if you hear stories from other people you talk to me about them and don't hold them against me because I wouldn't want you to be hurt or offended by a half truth or something you just didn't know before. If you need anything, or don't know how to handle a situation, or just need someone to talk to I'm here for you and I hope we can be good friends.

To Anonymous Person ..2:

Thank you so much for being there for me, and everything you do for me. Words can't express my gratitude to you for all of your favours. You're a great friend and not as evil as you seem. :) I appreciate your ability to understand all sides of situations. I hope you are happy and that you don't let all this drama that you so desperately love and crave stress you out to the point where you aren't happy with who you are because you are awesome.

To Anonymous Person ..3:

What could I say that you don't already know? I love you I love you I love you! You and I are like sisters and while we're both fucking insane, together we make the perfect pair. Always love who you are and remember that you're smarter than me so anything I can do you can do better so aim to be the best person you can be because I know I can be... if only one day! I'm sorry I haven't been able to be there much this month, I know you've had your own stress to deal with, and I'll try to be there more often after I settle into my new place. Thank you for being there for me for always.

To Anonymous Person ..4:
You're still my mystery. I love you so much. I never know what to expect, which last year at this time I thought was a good thing, but since then we've been through so much quite honestly while I love every moment with you every oncoming moment scares me. It hurts that you are so easy to forget things. I have written many letters, (left undelivered), to you in the course of the past year, usually out of inability to say what I think because I know when I do you don't often hear me. You have this switch in you that you can turn on and off at free will when it comes to caring about a situation or a person. I've seen you use it with everybody and everything. And while I know you love me too, there isn't anything more terrifying than wondering every moment if the next moment that switch is going to turn off on me.
It doesn't hurt to let me know you care. It doesn't hurt to say have a good night at the end of a phone call. It does hurt to tell the truth but not nearly as much as a lie. If you need anything, like always, I'm here for you. I don't need you to be there for me and care all the time, but nothing would make me happier than if you were.

To Anonymous Person ..5:

Welcome to the world. The world is unpredictable, and to think that you know what life is all about is simple ignorance. You've been caught off guard and I am watching you fall and there is nobody there to catch you so you have to try and land on your feet. I can help you up again when you're ready but I need cooperation. The one thing that is going to get you through this is faith. Faith in God, faith in me and your other friends, and most importantly faith in yourself that you can conquer anything, even the one inevitable pain in life - a broken heart. Faith is hardest to find when you learn that your faith in others has been abused or thrown away. Which is why having faith in yourself and remembering that you are a good person and that you've done nothing wrong is essential to survival in this world. It may not be the greatest world but it's the only one we've got, so look for what's good and beautiful around it and you'll find happiness, even if not right away. "It's going to take time, but you'll just have to wait. You're going to be fine, but in the meantime..."

To Anonymous Person ..6:

I like you. Sometimes. I like you when it's just you and I together because we get along and understand each other, which is really hard to find in most people... someone who understands, well, me. And while I'm nobody to judge what other people say about you, or say you say about me, it throws me off guard because I hear it from people I'm supposed to be able to trust and that I love. I know you're alone right now, and I know the pain of feeling that there's nobody there for you and you can't trust even those closest to your heart because even though are circumstances are different I'm going through it too. It makes you wonder what love really is. It makes you doubt everything you've ever believed in and wonder who you are, why you're here, and how can you possibly go on when what you believed to be your purpose is shattered.
Do we pick up the pieces and fix them? In most situations, I would say yes, but the shards are razor thin and only going to hurt you more if you try to repair the unrepairable. So I think that our best bet is probably to leave our old purposes behind us and move forward to find a new one. God, even as I'm writing this I'm making up excuses in my head of why I can't do it because who wants to start over when so much effort has gone behind the original?
Another thing I need to know is how can we be friends right now and move past this? We both know it will just move the shards around and wind up with us both getting hurt, and possibly hurting others too. I've figured out what I need to do to move on and that is keep to myself and keep pushing my dreams independently. It's hard because part of me is addicted to having people back me up and tell me I'll be ok, be there for me when I fail, and inspire me do be the best person I can be. I think I can do this on my own but I sure as hell don't want to. The whole analogy of "Throw me a rope" is what I want most, but I never thought I would be left without one. And you are too. Nobody's coming to save us so we have to save ourselves and find our own ways out.
Alone.

"Suffering feeds my art" -Bart Simpson

2007-03-22T02:54:00.000-05:00

So today was another day of gossip, rumours, and distress.

Luckily I slept all day and went to work at a different store, and pretty much avoided the whole thing. What happened? I don't know. I don't care to know. That's not saying I don't care because if I knew I probably would but the whole ignorant "I don't care to know" basically means if I cared to know then I'd have to care and I'd have to worry if I cared, and I don't really want to worry so I really don't want to care because for sure I would care if I cared to know.

SO what is going on in world that doesn't involve the blogosphere to believe I'm a total emo-kid?I have no idea.
Umm... family's in Barbados.
I have a new baby cousin named Josh who I am yet to meet.
I'm thinking a new bed is in order for my new place.
I lost the charger for my phone so if you want to call... you can't.
And Burger King makes me sick.

Oh, and love interests. Kind of. Cute-interested guys, with a cute-not-so-interested Kira. There's one guy who is probably trying to call me and probably thinks I am totally dissing him because my phone isn't on because it's dead and I feel bad because he's cute and here I go all emo again.

Time for bed. Tomorrow is packing day, and Friday is moving day!

I leave you with a bedtime prayer from the Book of Bart:

Our Fatty
Who eats unshaven
Swallowing is thy game
Thy ding dongs come
Flambéed with some
Liqueur in a red hot oven
Give up this day your daily bread
And munch out on watercress
Or just try to eat less
Trash like donuts
Lead yourself not
Into temptation
But eat liver for all meals
Amen

A repost is in order

2007-03-20T18:16:00.000-05:00

I've posted this before but there are a few people out there who could benefit from this and if you don't have the song, ask me to send it to you and I will.

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady
Don't hold on but don't let go I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

Potholes

2007-03-18T20:35:00.000-05:00

Memories are the opposite of what life holds in store for you.Repetition allows us to see the future,
But a change in pattern leaves us blind.
Even when you follow what's in your heart
The future ain't always kind.

Biting bittersweet drugs of choice
Fuck our moral conscience voice
That screams out this will get better.
It won't.

Smile, hold your head up high
And do it do the day you die
Let the world believe your lie
They'll stop asking why

And you'll be left alone.

The road ahead is full of holes

I've fallen in the biggest one
Through the rubble I know where to go
Stuck and cozy. Lies are fun.

When I sleep I hear your voice
Reminding me it's all my choice
But you chose for me, yeah.
You did.

Smile, hold your head up high
And do it do the day you die
Let the world believe your lie
They'll stop asking why

Smile, hold your head up high
Even if you're cold and dry
Fake it to make it through and by
Only you will ever know why

And you'll be left alone.

I blame love, I blame love,
Why love love when love is to blame?
For shattered dreams, for hopes, for pain,
For finding faith let you down again
For everything with meaning,
Everything you gained.
For everything taken away.
I blame love,
I blame love.

Smile, hold your head up high
And do it do the day you die
Let the world believe your lie
They'll stop asking why

Smile, hold your head up high
Even if you're cold and dry
Fake it to make it through and by
Only you will ever know why

Love is a hole that you fucked

Now you're alone.

(For the record, I'm feeling kind of emo and I don't actually believe in blaming love. This is the third sad song I've ever written in my life, it's been two years since I wrote the last one so I am perfectly entitled to this one because I've been having kind of a shitty time.)

C'est Bizarre Ca

2007-03-16T01:45:00.000-05:00

K: Ok communal drunk blogging from Craig's... saw the place where we're moving today... love it!
A: Agreed! Definitely love the place, it's absolutely beautiful, and everyone can come hang out in my awesome sunroom and if we murder someone we can hide it in your huge closet! :p
C: I thought Mike was getting the closet? For some reason I have this strange feeling about living at a new house and going to jail. Ahwell, whatcha gunna do right. So i says to mable i says... I thought about going to the beach, but then realized it was July... Wait no says the Rabbit, the month is actually March... but IS IT... HMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... it almost seems ironic that rabbits are talking to me... Take the red pill, and I'll show you how far the rabbit hole really goes... fuck.
K: Remember that time where you were all like "So I says to Mable I says" and that was when I figured out you had sex with Mable too? ANYWAYS, I have to work in 7 hours which means I have to leave in 5 which means I have to finish my drinks in 1 and be sober in 3 and get 1.5 hours of sleep and then go to work. Wow, I spend half my drunken time backspacing. Done backspacing.
A: ...Well THAT was interesting. You're off watching your feet, how strange? I've never met someone so OCD about their feet... but what am I gonna do right? And as far as Craig is concerned... hah, I get he didn't just "say" to Mable. Y'know what Virgin Mobile says: "Talking leads to kissing, and kissing, to touching" so we all know where THAT went... haha. Know why I'm so happy to be me and not you? 'Cause I don't work till 5:30pm and I get to go out to the bar with you, shake my ass, and get just as loaded tomorrow :) Good weekend! I am the Backspacing Queen!!!
C: hey, you're a crazy bitch but you fuck so good im on top of it.... hmmmm the story of my life...kinda sounds like Bazan... LOL oh no, not even going there. So yeah... i'm just lost right now.
K: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA
A: That was SO a part of your life that no one needed to know about. Eew thats like my brother getting the crazy Clap. I vote no for STDs. So Craig.... you're totally SOL :p Sorry kiddo.
C: So apparently I'm a slut... im going to bed, who's coming?

It echoes in here

2007-03-14T02:09:00.000-05:00

So if you haven't heard, I kind of have to move, and this is where I'm moving to and even though it's not Vancouver (yet), we could never afford a HOUSE like this if it wasn't in Winnipeg.

Coming in the front door.

My future roommate Alyson by the fireplace.

Brand new kitchen

Basement loo.

Upstairs room, likely to be mine. :) The wall is being painted where the radiator used to be and got taken away because they got a new, environmentally friendly, and low energy (aka CHEAP) heating system installed!

Besides all of this, there is a pretty upstairs bathroom pic that won't upload, the two attic bedrooms - one of which will probably be Craig's, laundry facilities, Alyson's bedroom with attached sunroom (I want it!), the bedroom between ours, a basement, a living room an extension onto that kitchen and a full giant sized dining room and a sun room and a place to park our cars, and YARDS!!!

Not to mention, it's right near St. Vital. :> You'd think I'd be saying goodbye to all this money, as it's gotta be crazy expensive and I'll be shopping all the time and getting a car and decorating and filling up space with cool furniture, but it's only $1000/month so like $333.33 a month each with 3 people living there plus utilities and if we find two more roommates, yes we are looking but we are also picky bastards so keep that in mind, not to mention, I am getting a huge promotion at work so it is going to work out.

My friend Jen in Vancouver also needs a roommate if anyone out there is looking. She has a pretty sweet place and she's a really fun and awesome person to know so let me know if you're interested. I was supposed to be moving in with her, but not for a while and now it's going to be even longer before I can get out there.

Life is funny sometimes. In my last post I mentioned karma. Karma can go both ways. See I was in a situation that lost me my home, my friends, and almost my job. But the end result is gaining a new friendship, increasing one that was already great, finding a better home, and I'm getting promoted. I'm happy I'm a good person even if I'm the only person that knows it. Luckily, I'm not the only person who knows it... which for about a week there I questioned my faith in every person I knew, until some really great friends came along and helped me through it.

It's been an emotional hurricane for me, and I still don't know how to feel about it all and I'm still more manic than usual. I feel like I should be happy, but my guard is still up... for all I know this could be the eye of the storm but even if this is only a temporary calm, things have cleared up enough to see a bit of truth in the waves of lies and I'll be ok in the end.

Sticks and stones may break my bones...

2007-03-10T01:04:00.000-06:00

Most of the time, people think I'm completely insane. That's fine.

Most of the time, I do too.

Like when I'm so sure I am right in a situation and everybody says I'm wrong, I begin to question why I'm defending myself when ultimately I won't win.

I had been warned that eventually, looking out for everybody's best interests will affect my own. Lookout for yourself is what I'd been told by the people who cared about me most and now that's what it's come down to. This past week has been one of the worst in my life as well as one of the most eye opening.

This week is different already. I'm not the same looking-out-for-everyone-in-the-whole-world person I was last week. That's not to say I don't have an open mind, eyes, and arms to everyone, my heart is just off limits.

If you want my love, trust, and faith you have to earn it, and it's worth earning so I'm not opposed to being a bit cold to those that don't want or don't deserve it. There are still a few people I love, my family and a very select few friends who have earned it over time and experience.

For those who abused it while they had it, I've found a new biblical quote that I've never believed in until now:

"An eye for an eye."

I deserve justice which is something I have always believed for the rest of human kind but never thought about for myself. I've started truly understanding it and someone said to me yesterday, "Karma's a fucking bitch, isn't it?"

You'd better fucking believe it.

On kind of a different note, I love this post by Foxxy.

What is Love?

2007-03-05T20:57:00.000-06:00

When I was an emo 17 year old, my email address was truth_is_pain@hotmail.com. This analogy came from a bigger one I come up with saying: Life is a gift from Love, Love is Light, Light is Truth, Truth is Pain, Pain is Dark, Dark is Hate, Hate is Death therefore Death is Life.

Of course I was completely teenage-angsty-depressed so I didn't know wtf I was talking about but to make the analogy kind of true I would change most of the "is's" to "brings" and circle it around a bit differently: Life is a gift from Love, Love brings Light, Light brings Truth, Truth brings Pain, Pain brings Dark, Dark brings Hate, Hate brings Death, Death makes us remember what we truely Love about Life therefore this whole circle's foundation isn't Death but Love.

If you think this is somewhat complex and twisted, shit son do I have a story for you. But I won't be telling it today because it's a true story and truth brings pain and so here's another analogy for you if you can follow: If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Before you critisize me quoting 1 Corinthians 13 from the bible, here me out. I write this not because I want to involve my faith but rather define what I believe love to be. I try very hard to live my life with love, appreciation, and understanding for every single person I meet and for the most part I would consider myself successful.

Now I understand that I may have offended some of the people who I love, but that would never, ever be my intention. I also understand that through rumours that the truth may have been miscommunicated because it's a fact that rumours and gossip are full of lies but I also understand that in defending myself I am bringing more drama and going to cause more rumours so instead of trying to make myself look innocent and find the truth which brings pain I am just going to say this, and this goes to everybody I may have offended:

I'm sorry if I hurt you.
It wasn't my intention to hurt you and it hurts me that you hurt too.
I understand that you and I are different people.
I understand that we have different views and beliefs and that is our right and I respect that.
I appreciate everything that you have done for me and that I've learned from the situations we've been through and I will continue to learn from them.
I appreciate who you are as an individual and I understand that nobody can change who you are and you have every right to be that person.
I like to think that I can change situations and help and it the hardest thing for me to accept that I can't help everybody and by trying sometimes I cause more harm than good.
I am also working on accepting that some people don't want my help and that they are ok with the way things are even if they go against my personal beliefs.
This is truth and while truth is pain it is also release and it can go backwards to bring light to a situation and bring love.
I don't expect anything from you and I hope you look at this as a true apology because writing is the way I can communicate my feelings the best.

I am all about the love,

So love always,
Kira

Why am I so happy???

2007-02-21T01:56:00.000-06:00

Possibly because tonight I called Kari who I haven't seen in a while to come over, played and lost some Halo 2, went out to what we thought was a new bar... "my bar" which turned out to be Rum Jungle turned really, really lame, and went to the casino across the street instead with $2.00 in hand, won $38.00 by complete accident of Kari and I pushing two buttons on a VLT at the exact same time, went and bought a ticket for my #1 favourite dj in the world...

Photo essay of me and people I love

2007-02-14T22:02:00.000-06:00

Happy Crapenstine Day Everybody! I love you! And if I love you and you're not on there it's because I don't have a picture of you and I on my computer!

Alonso, Alyssa, and Cole

Colette, Devin, and Jen

Jill, Kari, and Kelsey

Kevin, KT (in the computer background), and Kyle

Nate, Nu, and Patience

Tony... and Twiggy... what? How'd that picture get in there? Crybaby pussy(cat).

Visual Disconnection to the World

2007-02-12T01:03:00.000-06:00

Blogger isn't uploading any pictures for me right now.

I was going to put a bunch a pictures of places I have been over the past two years and talk about traveling. I'm in one of those moods where I just want to get up and go somewhere. Somewhere far and probably a bit warmer than this.

I was thinking that all day long and then a friend just told me that he's going to Vancouver right away and he just bought a plane ticket spontaneously. That's what I DO! And I'm sure I will soon but with this potential promotion into salary management nothing is predictable right now and it'll be at least two months before I get the chance to do such a thing.

I want to do New York. And sometime this year I need to head back to BC because it's my second home. Well, home is where the heart is right?

Mandy wants me to go to Europe with her in July, but I can't save up enough money by then because any trip I take this year will have to be cheap because I'm saving for another giant trip which I will blog about later this year once I know my partner and I are both on track for going.

I miss Barbados too. Did you know I've been there 21 times in my life? And I haven't been since I was 17. I'd like to go with my parents but they don't seem to anxious to travel with me right now so I think I'd have to wait that out.

Winnipeg is one of those places that I have a love/hate relationship with. Actually, I don't really love and hate any other place except North Berwick in Scotland. I've never been in a place where I've felt like I'm trapped yet surrounded by beauty except these places.

Anyways, I need a hobby. Another one. To get my mind off the things I don't have right now. I have so much but is there a person in the world who doesn't want more even at their happiest?

Sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, work

2007-02-10T08:13:00.000-06:00

Has been my life since last Sunday and will be until next Friday.
That is why I'm not around.
I just got home from work and am going to bed now.

... Then back to work. *cries*

I need to...

2007-02-02T12:53:00.000-06:00

Party. Anyone know of any venues where I can crank music?
There is a party tonight I just don't know where.
Everybody can come.

Halo!

2007-01-31T02:20:00.000-06:00

Tonight was filled with video games. Ed from work came over and we played Wii until a few minutes ago. That shit is pretty fun, but they need better games to come out still.

I am finally able to play Halo again. Ages ago when I was 19 and living in my first apartment with Kari, we decided we wanted to get really good at Halo because all of our guy friends were into it and pro players. Growing up, I was never allowed to have video games. When I was 8 years old I asked Santa Claus for a Game Boy for Christmas. My parents decided it was better to crush my beliefs and tell me that there was no such thing as Santa Claus at this point than too have devil possessed video game playing children. I showed them later that video games won't stop the devil but that's beside the point.

So Kari and I bought an XBox and a copy of Halo and practiced for months while telling the guys we didn't want to play whenever they offered until we finally decided to we had reached and surpassed their level. So the next time we were offered the controllers we said, "Sure. I guess we'll play."

What a feeling. I wish I had a picture of their faces when they first realized they were losing. I got that giggly mentality of a young girl laughing till her sides hurt at her favourite cartoon. Eventually they got better too, because they couldn't let us be better than them forever. We started all training together for November 2004, when Kari and a few of the guys waited till midnight in line for the release of Halo 2. I had to work at 7 the next morning but when they got home at 1, I woke up and we watched one of the guys play the first level and then, multiplayer which is what it's really all about.

There is not a sweeter feeling than sneaking up behind your friend 70 million worlds away and meleeing them in the back of the head with an SMG.

Anyways, I finally got a copy of Halo back and am training again, this time, for Halo 3 which will be released this year!!! I kind of suck again but I'll be up past par in a couple months time and I'll let you know when I am on XBox Live again so I can kill whoever wants to die out there.

Fight Club

2007-01-29T13:22:00.000-06:00

Ceri and Stu's kittens, Alex and Aneesa for the past week have been fucking all over the apartment because they haven't gone for their ops yet.
But today I suppose she's out of heat and they are fighting viciously.The other night we were showing Kevin and Kat what all the fuss over UFC is about. And after some drinks it ended up in fights. I wish my camera was working, I'd put up some pics of my bruises covering my arms and legs and well, I'm pretty beat up everywhere.

But I won all my fights. In fact, I haven't lost a fight since Grade 6. A lot of guys are all like, "I can't hit a girl", or "I don't fight blondes", but eventually they cave (because deep inside every guy wants to know what it's like to hit a girl... evil bastards), and they try to win but lose.

Yup. I can kick your ass. And if you'd like me too, I so will.

Romance at it's finest

2007-01-28T17:44:00.000-06:00

Sitting here, asking my roommate Ceri what to blog about? Nothing is going on. It's cold. Nobody has gone out and other than to work which has been exceptionally boring lately everybody has just been hanging around here sitting on thier asses. I look back at her to give her a look of disappointment for her futile efforts to find me an interesting subject to write about when a deck of cards on the table catch the corner of my eye.

This isn't a normal deck of cards, these are "Romance Cards", which Amanda from work and I had seen at the dollar store and curiosity got the best of us so we indulged in what turned out to be the worst dollar either of us had ever spent in our lives.

"Romance
The Conversation Cards
*Real Questions
*Real Answers
*Real Stories
*The Real "You" "

I decided to interview Ceri, and she decided to bake me some cookies which really has nothing to do with anything except they are really good.

1. Ceri,What's the first thing you notice in a person?
- Their eyes and smile.
2. What's your favourite love song and why?
- Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You because it's my favourite
3. What is the funniest that ever happened to you or someone you know?
- I hate these questions.
4. Where was your first kiss?
- In Ashton Meadows, Markham Ontario.
5. MYSTERY QUESTION!!! Are you wearing underwear?
- ... no. Oh my God.
6. What's your favourite horror movies?
- I hate horror movies, none of them are my favourites, I don't through half of them.
7. If you could have one last meal, what would it be?
- Nachos and Cheese. Lots of cheese.
8. What is your definition of success?
- Um... living comfortably but achieving all the goals I had.
9. If you could have any car, what would it be?
- I don't know cars.
10. If you could have any superpower what would it be?
- To move things without touching them.
11. What actor or actress would you most like to do a love scene with?
- Vin Diesel. Or Colin Farrel! *gasps* Or Wentworth Miller!!!
12. If you could help one person change their life, who would it be and why?
- My brother. He's had a messed up life and everything he wanted to do something always gets in the way.
13. What's the most memorable scene from a movie, to YOU?
- Most of the romantic parts of "A Walk to Remember"
14. What was the happiest day of your life?
- The last day of high school.
15. Do you believe in angels?
- Yes
16. What's your favourite joke? Tell it!
- Why did God give black guys bigger penis's than white guys? (Kira says "Why?") Because he felt sorry for putting pubes on their head.

Well, Ceri's boyfriend is going to have to fight me (and lose.) (again.) because I am now oh so very romantically attached to her that he's just out of the picture. Thank you Dollarama! I've found my true love.

And I'm still goddamn bored.

Nobody eats my blog

2007-01-26T03:30:00.000-06:00

Blogger tried to pick a fight with me and eat all my html and give me some shitty template.
I thought lucky for me I saved my html before it ate my blog but it wouldn't take it because it's probably full of breaks here and there and so then it got dirty.
I punched and kicked the shit out of it until I gave it a shot it in the gut and suddenly blogger puked my old blog back.

For a while I thought I wouldn't see it ever again and I'd have to halfassedly write up newish html like I did before, so I started planning a whole new design while still fighting it and when blogger finally realized it lost I said 'fuck the new design, but I'll keep the new header I made because it's cooler.'

It's 3:30am and I'm going to bed satisfied and drunk on victory.

For the love of what I do

2007-01-25T23:47:00.000-06:00

My life is pretty sweet despite what I rant and bitch about on a daily basis. I think I probably feel sorry for myself and do terrible things simply to make life more interesting. That or because I'm selfish.

This month has already been better than all of last year. The only highlights of last year were Chicago, about half of June, Nate coming over in August, and my bus trip.

I have so many opportunities laid out in front of me that I have choices. (Which is good, but I'm a girl so naturally I'm doomed to a life of indecision and being overly picky.)

This year, it was my plan to save up for a big trip to Japan and Australia... which wouldn't happen until at least mid 2008 - 2009.

I was also going to buy a scooter in the summer. Black with hot pink and matching helmet. >v<

Now, at work, I have an opportunity to be promoted and have a solid income plus bonuses and benefits. The catch to that is I have to get a car, which isn't much of a catch because the amount of a raise that I'm getting will pretty much pay for car so I look at it as winning a free vehicle.

On with what I was saying. I have a sweet life. Sweet future full of travels, looking hot and having wheels. Great McJob with great friends at work, home, and all over the world.

I love my life and everything in it.

Yes this post is just to be a heartless bitch and brag. Love it.

Sexual Frustration

2007-01-24T21:08:00.000-06:00

Abstinence.

Why the hell would anybody choose that? Sex is awesome right?

Yes, but sex will also screw you. Pun partially intended.

It's not that I can't get laid because I know more than a few people who would be happy to. But that's all they want from me which leads me to my next point:

Sex is for dicks and pussies.

And more often than people think assholes.

Guys, being dicks for fucking and having no emotional attachment, and girls pussies for thinking that having sex will heighten the dude's emotions. That's not to say that girls can't be dicks and guys can't be pussies but I won't get into that because being sexually frustrated is complicated enough.

By not having anymore sex isn't saying that it's not the best thing in the whole world because it is. But when you screw a girl's pussy you also screw with her emotions. OK. Not always, but for I think it should mean something. For the most part, it has never meant anything to me but then when it finally did it was a million times better which I never thought it could be.

There are great things about not having sex, like no interrupting your shaving cycle, no paying for birth control hormones that make you go crazy, and no icky disease or babies! Don't get me wrong, I want kids, but I've seen plenty of friends have these kids pop out and some got married some didn't and the ones who did got divorced and the ones who aren't fucked up from it are still in fucked up situations and wish they could travel the world and be free like me but they're not and won't be and I love them but I don't want that because it scares me.

I don't know.

Maybe I just need to get laid.

For my friend Mr. Pierce

2007-01-20T04:22:00.000-06:00

It's late

2007-01-16T02:42:00.000-06:00

But I can't sleep.

Work has had me working crazy shifts, from midnights to days. And I'm sick as well as you can tell in the picture.

My sleep has been awesome though, with lots of those kind of dreams that make you feel awesome all day long.

McD's has been getting me drunk. Tonight there was a managers outing and only four of us turned up so we got to divide the money they provide between us which equals many drinks each. Tomorrow night I have a meeting where afterwards "bevvies are provided".

I love my job.

I won't be with them forever though, I decided my career today while at work. I had this song my Gido would sing to me before bedtime when I was a kid going through my head:

Tell me a story
Tell me a story
Tell me a story
Before I go to bed
Tell me about the birds and bees
Tell me what makes the chicken sneeze (Ah-choo!)
Tell me a story
Before I go to bed

And then I had it. That would be the perfect theme song to a latenight erotic story tv show and I could put it on the playboy channel.

I was asked if I would star in the show... I hadn't thought about it, but probably not. I'd make a cameo time to time though.

Here's a few pics from when I was in Vancouver this November. I have more that I haven't put on my computer though, but my friend Jen sent me these.

Jen by Fairyland
Ethiopian food restaurant next door to the Cambie... one of my Vancouver traditions
Jen and I on her birthday
My awesome host Kiran carefully making sure to look you in the eyes while he cheers'.
DDR in a Granville St arcade
When we found ourself in East Hastings, a homeless friend who looked out for us.
Kira(n) Jen 06 on the famous tables of the Cambie. I tried to find the one I scratched in the year before but you try to find Waldo while you're highly intoxicated. C'est impossiblah!

Spitter Spatter

2007-01-14T08:17:00.000-06:00

Somebody spit in my face today when I stood up for myself and my friend.

I don't know how to blog about that, but I figured it was at least worth writing down.

Back to the Future

2007-01-07T15:41:00.000-06:00

Resolve this:

New year. New Place. New Mindset. New Goals.

It's all a bunch of bullshit if you believe it is.

New Years Day is only another day that only western society chooses to acknowledge as an occasion to celebrate starting over, an excuse to brush all your fuck-ups aside and try your best to forget what you failed at and try again.

There is no learning when the past is forgotton.

The only exception is the realization of the statement, which is often never realized hence the annual repetition.

But fuck it.

It all comes down to the same thing everying comes down to in life and that's perception. Everyone has a different take on New Years so why not use it as opportunity... that's not to say any other day or moment can't be used for the same thing because it can.

"You have the power to become anything you want to. Set your expectations for yourself and know that you'll become whatever you think about."

I have many half hearted resolutions and a few big ones but the one that pertains most to you is that I hope to start blogging again as much as I can now that I've moved and am connected again.

What's yours?

Crazy Adventures

2006-12-15T02:42:00.000-06:00

I'm totally an evil person for not updating on my favourite place to write anything in such a long time.

But I have some good news. Come January 1st, it is very likely that I'm moving in with my friend Ceri from work and her boyfriend Stew, and we will have the internet so I don't have to keep bottling up my soul anymore and I can write my heart out again, which I am pretty happy about. I'm also going to be saving approximately $100 a month because I'll have two roomates, our apartment is cheap and I'll be close to work so I won't need to buy a bus pass anymore.

On another note, check this out. I asked Armin Van Buuren some questions and he answered them!

Gotta go on another crazy adventure.
Ciao

I love you now like I loved you then

2006-11-19T07:52:00.000-06:00

In Vancouver.
I've been pretty much all over the city today.
It's been crazy and that's all I have to say.
I'll be home on Thursday at 6:30am.

Californication

2006-11-14T16:33:00.000-06:00

In Los Angeles the last few days.

Heading to San Francisco tomorrow, and Vancouver from there.

Look where I was last night, after walking down Hollywood Blvd and seeing the stars, and swimming in the Pacific Ocean on Venice beach all day while sporting my new Louis Vuitton shades and my totally cute new camo hat.

Yeah. You know you're jealous.

Sioux City

2006-11-09T19:58:00.000-06:00

Yo.

I am in the middle of nowhere, but it's pretty sweet.

I'm going to end up in Kansas City for the day.

I have no idea about anything about Kansas City so naturally I am pretty psyched.

Didn't end up in Des Moines, or hitching. I'll tell that story later but I have to go now. I'll keep you all posted!

Des Moines, Denver, Las Vegas, LA, Vancouver, Kelowna

2006-11-06T19:27:00.000-06:00

Here I come!

So I leave tomorrow. The beginning of my trip is not looking like it originally seemed to be. The car we were going to take broke down, so Kari and I are scrambling for a way to get to Des Moines.

We leave tomorrow at 7:00pm sharp.

We don't have a car, or enough money or time for the bus, so by the way things look now, we are hitchhiking.

I'm so psyched. And nervous. And yes, stupid.

We are determined. We have the concert tickets already, and we've been psyching ourselves out everyday for a month now so we can't not try. Worst case scenario is we end up in Emerson by the time of the concert, but we will drink ourselves blind so even that will be fun.

Come Thursday, I get my 100.02 hour paycheck loaded with overtime and I am catching a bus to meet an online friend in Denver I've kept in touch with since I was 16 years old. No, it's not a relationship thing at all but he is very close to my heart and I am very excited to meet him.

Next stop, Las Vegas. Not that I have money to gamble away, I just want to take pictures.

Los Angeles. I get to meet and stay with Tony Pierce. How fucking cool is that?

Vancouver, my favourite city on the planet... maybe next to Amsterdam, but that's questionable. I get to meet up with Kiran, who I haven't seen since I hiking a fiery mountain in Olimpos, Turkey, my friend Jen, and any other Vancouver bloggers who would be interested in getting together! I may be there only one night, but I am definitely spending it on the town so we should meet up!

Last stop before going home, Kelowna... and then finding my way to the best little town in the country: Oliver. I couldn't leave this one out. This will make my fourth consecutive year to the wine capital since I skipped my high school graduation to go pick cherries in the vineyards in this town I had never heard of. I have priceless friends there who I miss every day of my life and I am so lucky to have this opportunity to see them again.

Anyways! Give me a shout if you are in any of these cities and want to meet up.
Wish me luck and I'll try to keep you updated along the way!

The Adventure

2006-10-23T09:14:00.000-05:00

Do we really need vacation when going all out and wild makes us the most happy?

So, I don't know what to do with my holidays.

I know that at 7:00pm on November the 7th, Kari is picking me up from McDickies and we are driving right from there to Des Moines, Iowa. We will sleep in the car because it is free. Very important.

I'm not cheap, just poor. I'd rather make a good time out of nothing than not have good times but have money. Anyday. Even on a day like today where I pretty much watched a million dollars get crushed into the compacter at work, but I'm not going to get into that because that's going off topic.

We'll get to Des Moines by late morning or afternoon depending on the roads, and explore until doors open at 6:00pm for Angels and Airwaves. Yes I am totally psyched and I don't care if I'm emo thank you!

Then we will probably crash for a while before heading back to North Dakota where Kari and I will most likely split up when we get to Fargo. She can only get a couple of days off of work so she's leaving me on my own and driving back alone to Winnipeg. While I don't entirely like the idea of her doing that, I don't really fancy going through the border two more times than I need too... considering I go back to the States.

I'm most likely to get a bus pass... that discovery pass I talked about before. I want to see Los Angeles, I want to see the East and New York, and I'll be damned if I break my record of going to Vancouver every year since I was 18, but it's going to be hard to do it all and not exhaust myself.

I don't mind sleeping on the bus - traveling by night and exploring by day so that's my plan thus far though as much as I know I would love that, I can't help but to wonder if maybe I actually just need to find a warm beach to lay down on for two weeks and actually make it a vacation to catch up on much needed R&R I've deprived myself of all year.

I have 16 days before I leave to where ever I'm going so what I'm saying is:

ADVICE! PLEASE! If you told me there was a $50 rocket to the moon and they made a sweet pina colada up there I just may go because that's how indefinite I am about my plans. Tell me cheap places to stay and eat! Give me travel advice for buses... the longest bus ride I was on was to Chicago, and that is about 3000 times closer than LA. Give me your car. Anything just shout it out because I'm on my own here.

I love that I never know what lies ahead for me. :)

Dear all you sluts,

2006-10-22T10:14:00.000-05:00

First off I need to say for the record that I would never actually kill anybody I'm way too shy.

My question is, is it wrong to murder someone when they more or less deserve to die?

We allow abortions, where the victim is as innocent as innocent can be. So when someone is really terrible to the extent where they ruin lives around them, (including their own), is it so wrong to shoot them in the face?

Wow. I feel liberated just asking that question. That's one thing I miss about blogging. No boundaries. Over the past 5, 6 months or so, I've dealt with a lot of drama.

I mean a ridiculous amount of drama and stress that I really didn't deserve and definitely didn't ask for, and I've had nobody to vent it out to so it's been bottled up inside while I kept on going about with this positive attitude that I would find a solution to mine and everybody's problems and everything would work out in the end.

(Breath)

But you know what? I can only do so much. I can provide suggestions to help with other people's problems but once I start taking them in as my own, I'm doing more harm than good if they won't show full co-operation.

My heart is full of love, and in order to try and help all these people, I've ended up hurting myself and even wasted energy hating, which is something that I really don't do.

(I'm not trying to sound like a saint LOL I'm far from it. I sound like a bit of a dork I know.)

So basically, repressing all my emotions while immersed in a sea of problems and negativity has caused me to start to break down and die a bit so I'm not doing it anymore.

This is a big fuck you to all of you I tried to help who said they wanted it but didn't show me any appreciation or respect.

I'm letting you and your problems go so I can save myself because I'm more important than them.

My last piece of advice if you ever truly wanted to get rid of your problems is to trust yourself and just let it go. It's easier than you think.

Murder still isn't legal so it's your next best option.

Love always, Kira the reformed slut.

With the world at my fingertips

2006-10-16T10:47:00.000-05:00

"Where should I go?" Seems to be the question.

From months and months of being a hermit, and re-walking the same old streets for some sense of adventure whenever boredom drove my mind off the cliff of wits-end, all of a sudden my life is eventful and full of decisions that I have to make right away.

It's like someone's slapped me in the face, but instead of getting pissed off it's turning me on...

Yeah... Moving to the point then, which so happens to be moving!

Two weeks paid vacation, and not a lot of money, but even less will to stay home as the winter comes on in full force. Winnipeg style.
(A nice winter in Winnipeg come November)

I also have an opportunity to move out. Pay cheaper rent. Live with friends again and re-establish what I call home. It's a good thing.

I've had 5 people in 3 weeks say they want to move out with me. Four straight guys and a lesbian... though none of them are really prospects I would consider for a significant other.

The only thing about moving out now that bothers me is though it's cheaper in the long run, I need money for the short run. Losing my deposit on my current suite and having to put a new deposit down would roughly cost me $600.00.

That's a lot of money when you're me.

All will be decided in the next 7 hours.

I'm taking my vacation Nov. 9 till Nov. 23.

If all goes well, this is my plan:

-Instead of moving out now, I move out in January thus resulting in keeping my deposit and gaining a reference.

-Somebody moves in with me. I've told Alonso I would move out with him but this whole vacation thing just came up. And he needs a place to stay so it would be wicked-sweet if he moved in with me thus resulting in me not breaking a commitment to my friend and gaining some extra cash to travel with by him paying rent. (I wouldn't charge him too much.)
(Alonso and I in February.)

-Buy a Discovery Pass. Take two weeks to travel across Canada and the States. Travel places I'd like to hit up include first and foremost Los Angeles, Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal, and New York.
(My last trip out of Canada in April)

It was times like these where I psych myself up really badly then end up where I don't want to be.

Pfft... as long as I don't end up in Utah, everything will be just fine.

Colette, Kira, Amanda, Christine & Candice

2006-10-04T22:32:00.000-05:00

K: hello blogging world if you acknowledge my existence anymore. i miss you so much morethan you know and i credit this entry to alcohol and friends.

Co: Hey wide world! Just want to let you all know if you work hard you better play hard and I am gettin to it!!! Party on Garth! Party on Wayne!

bazan; ummm i probably shouldnt be trying to type right now... wow hmmmm... so i have a question... does a guy qualify for paternity leave if him fathering the baby is questionable...?????? allan didnt know the answer when i askied the question differently (do adoptive qualify for mat/pat leave) yeah you all know what im talking about :D

CG: I don't like allan. He thought kevin hearty wasn't asian. thats funny. i can't laugh because my ribs are fractured from coughing. candice is hot. segue.

yohis is candice jusr letting you know rhat my party is the shit, NS THAT YOU hsould show p because its thebest party wver and i'm so exvited and drink=a nd you should show up byebye!!(L)(L)(L)

k: hahahahahhah oh boy....

Co: McDonalds sucks,the worst job I've ever had. The first and the worst..never go back I will. Yes, emulating Yoda I am.. must go drink I should... ta ta

Bazan; hmmmmmm my worst job was score keeping at st.b for volley/basketball bc i had to wait outside in the dark on dubuc... actually st.b was the only point in life where i didnt have to wear a uniform... yeah... i dunno... i need to load a piccy of me in my sma uniform... *gasps* OMG PHOTO SHOOT!!!!!!! super unsexy shots of me in that pit stained shirt!!!!!!

bazan: sooo candice isnt taking her turn... erm we're just updating courtney nault on the latest mcdees gosssip... btw 8th cousins in a threesome would NOT be an accomplishment princess...
courtnery fucking noULT!!!

cNDICE: not gonna lie, defnirly best pary ever, i jrgj g that come to my pty best durhgsls and d alocohol, ever, woowooowoowoowooowoowoowoowoowowooowowoowowowowowoewowo.
love candice

christine: fucking blown. ahhh. i like things, blown=that word for high that stands for high... dont remember. i have secrets everyone knows. i enjoy you you you you youyou. C-section!

kira: k. party blogging just doesn't work. this entry makes NO sense... i'm going to sign out but it was really good to blog again. everyone has their nerdy passion and this is so mine. logging out, - kira

Fast Foto-Essay

2006-08-22T23:02:00.000-05:00

These pictures are from Craig's Phone... some I took some he took. I have a lot of pictures from Nate's visit but it's on this new camera I got for free because Craig found it on a bus and gave it to me but it doesn't have a connector for the computer so you guys just have to wait for those. Anyways, we saw a tornado the other day, totally fucked.

Return of the Mod Squad

2006-08-08T14:37:00.000-05:00

I know I have been sort of... gone lately and not hanging around a lot but this Thursday, yes, THIS Thursday August 10 I will be crawling out of my hole of an apartment to make an appearence at Mod Night at the Pyramid.

Yes I know lately it's been very lame, but I figure if I could get together some of the original Modding crew, we could take it back for a night and kick those skanky and preppy jock-faces in the ass by showing them what the night is really about.

That and my friend Nate is visiting in from Wisconsin and I'm pretty sure he's never been to a club in his life so you should come out and make him feel welcome because I'm the only person he knows, and therefore, I feel a bit sorry for him!

That, and I plan on returning to my new-found hermit lifestyle shortly afterwards so come out and see me because I miss you all!

Ciao bellas and beaus!

See you Thursday night!

Deprivation

2006-07-17T22:28:00.000-05:00

Deprivation can be positive.

Man I miss blogging.

And internet access.

Who knew that one could grow so attached to something that doesn't even physically exist?

But I suppose that all addictions are mind based so whether your addiction is physically there or not it doesn't really matter.

I love this blog. I love the blogging community.

And they do exist, even though I haven't met over half of writers of blogs I read, maybe one day I will and that kind of keeps them real in my mind.

My mind has always been a strange place.

There are times where I am happier than anyone else in the world and times where I wonder if there's any point.

And times where I wonder if there's any point then wonder if there really has to be a point. Then my mind tells me there doesn't and I'm happy again.

Manic. And temperamental.

I love it. I hate it.

It's who I am and I guess I've got to deal with it.

Dealing with it is basically what you have to do with any unchangable situation and I seem to have found a lot of them lately, there for I'm doing a lot of nothing other than dealing.

On another note, I know about 6 or 7 people heading to Europe in the next 4 months and two of them want me to go with them. One of them broke up with me because he's going, and one of them is going to get away.

I read a book last night about Edinburgh and I miss traveling too. Maybe I'll go to Europe again in the spring. I think I'm going to plan for it.

On my own. I may or may not meet up with the two that want me to go with them, and I hardly doubt I'd meet up with the other two, who may even end up going together.

There are 6 things I love most in this world:

1. Sushi
2. Bellinis
3. Sex
4. Writing/Blogging
5. Traveling/Adventuring
6. Friends... who can pull you through anything

None of them are in any particular order but if I could somehow bring them all together I'd have a hell of a day and I'm planning on one sometime next year.

Anyways, what meant to be a short blurb turned in to a long blawb of nothing out of my ass.

Yes, this has been another, manic and temperamental blogfart.

I'm too awesome.

The Risk

2006-07-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

The Risk

My mind keeps on taking these songs
Like every one's written for you and me
It's not quite love: love's a long long road
But traveling (down it) sets us free (to get there)

It's a question
Of how we'll persevere
It's foggy now
After this a dead end
Or is it clear

And I----
Think we're better off trying
The only other option is to
Break it off dying

Yes it's true that the weatherman's predicting
Stormy weather and lots of pain
Just take my hand, we'll hold each other tight
Ambition and adventure (tell us) we have more to gain (worth the risk of hurting)

It's a question
Of will we rise or fall
Is it better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all

And I----
Think we're better off trying
If we don't the "what ifs" will haunt us
Running repeating recycling through our minds

What if we did it
What if we tried
What if we found out
That nobody lied
What if there's more to this
Than meets the eye
What if we knew that
We would be alright?

And I----

We should try----

And I----

What if we did it
What if we tried
What if we found out
That nobody lied
What if we tried to
Show it some faith
What if we knew that it would be OK?

What if we fail...
At least we tried

Ex Ex Ex

2006-06-24T11:41:00.000-05:00

The last time I went to the Red River Exhibition, was in 2004 but I didn't get the chance to thoroughly enjoy it because I was having the best busy day of that year. Matthew Good played a free concert there, and then we left on a road trip to BC. That was June 18th, 2004.

The time before that, I would have been 16... I went with my boyfriend Matt on his birthday and we made out when we got stuck upsidedown at the top of the twisty ferris wheel thing. That was June 29th, 2001.

I have mainly fond memories of the Ex, minus one when I was 13 and a young carnie with barely any teeth told me I had a "purty smile" and chased me a little bit while I ran freaking out with my friends.

And I am going today! With Colette and her friend Jason. We need a fourth person because it's better with four so nobody gets left out and so you can split up.

I think I plan to conquer my fear of spinny rides today. Either that or I plan to puke an exceptional amount. It's a good thing I'm not eating a lot or I'd be screwed. I love the upsidedown and fast rides, it's just the twirly-spinning ones I can't handle and my head goes crazy.

I don't really have a lot to say today, except that it's my last day of work at this hell hole and I feel no remorse blogging instead of working!

Going for a pita. I might edit this post later when I remember important things to say.

Edit #1: 2:45pm

It started thundering and pooring and my spirits went to shit. Then Craig's ex gave me the URL to her blog that she just started.

I think that the reason I'm feeling so selfish, (see my last post), is most definitely because I'm afraid of him going back to her. She says in her post "One of us is going to lose and it's going to suck to some degree for everyone involved."

That scares me because it's true.

I almost want to make her my enemy. By all rights we should be but we are both good people and I like her so that won't work. It actually makes it harder by not being her enemy.

He made a promise to me the other day and I do trust him, but I'm known for being more than a little irrational when I feel like the outcome of something is going to be negative. No matter what the outcome of this situation, it's going to be negative.

To be positive, there may not even be an outcome. There might not even be a situation... if there's not there most definitely was and it's already over... still with kind of a bummy result but we can only learn from this situation. I know for one I've learned a lot about myself, as well as him and her.

On a real bright side, it's sunny out again. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all.

Is it so bad I cry when it rains and smile when it shines? We, just like weather, can only change over time.

Ropes, Strings, and Girlfriends

2006-06-22T19:19:00.000-05:00

I know that you guys who will be reading this out there are probably like, what the fuck is she talking about? This has turned more into a diary entry than a blog post, but I just needed to vent it all out of my system somehow and blogging it does it for me. I don't really care to explain, but it's my blog and I don't really give a shit if I have to leave a few people hanging.

What's the difference between a string and a rope?

Well, as long as it can hold what it needs too, the only difference is density.

This is the first time in my life I’ve fully come to understand the meaning of term “no strings attached.”

Craig has lots of little issues he's holding together with strings. Like fishing line strings that look like nothing but are really hard to break just by pulling.

Would it be way too metaphorical to give him a knife?

Yes. Yes it would. Especially since he probably wouldn’t use it to cut his strings but to stab what’s at the end of them.

Yeah... that may be going too far.

I like his ex-girlfriend. I really do. Sure she has her issues, but we all have issues and nobody has the right to judge them. And while I want to help her, Craig, and myself at the same time I really don't know how to make it so everybody ends up happy.

There’s a line in a song that I wrote at the end of last summer that says: “I’m sorry I can’t be everything you want, I’m sorry I can’t be everybody’s angel.” The song itself turned out pretty shitty, but that line keeps circling through my head.

I don’t like this position because I’m feeling really jealous, and it makes me wonder what he really wants with me. Quite bluntly I would love for him to cut all ties and keep him for myself but I’m not really like that.

If this were a normal situation, like OK: say we were all fighting over a piece of cake. I would definitely say, ok, I don’t need this very last piece of cake, let me cut it in half for both of you to share. I’m very much like that. I’d rather see other people happy than do things for myself.

In THIS situation however, I feel like I should be selfish and tell him I want him all to myself. Is that so wrong?

Thinking like that makes me feel like I'm not as good of a person as I thought of myself to be, but I also feel like that would be the right thing for him to do.

I suppose I will be ok with him having some ties, because it’s just not in me to tell people what they should or shouldn’t be doing or who they should talk to. I’m all about free will. It might drive me crazy but I suppose I’m willing to risk my sanity (the little bit I have…) for the happiness of others.

I’m crazy already so it shouldn’t matter as much. Not to mention when I’m with him I’m happy anyways. Am I trying to convince myself it’s ok? Yes. Am I unhappy with all of his strings? I’m not miserable, but I haven’t found my comfort zone yet.

I'm not quite sure what the outcome will be as of right now, but hopefully karma will be on my side here. It damn well better be or I'll be pissed.

This sums it up:

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me

Cause I feel alone

I want to go to Fantasyland

2006-06-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

Edmonton is kind of a bunk-ass city.

But then again, so is Winnipeg, so I'll forgive them for being so bunk since there is now going to be a game seven!

Yes! I am so psyched!

On Monday after work I am starting to drink soon as I step into the parking lot on the way to the car.

I want Monday to be a perfect day. Well, I'd have to call in sick to work, and I can't really be affording to do that so I'll make it the perfect day from the end of work on.

I'll wear my favourite clothes, covered with a hockey jersey to suit the mood. Unfortunetly, all I have is the Jets or the Devils, so I'd better go with the Jets so I'm at least representin'.

I'll take a shot, maybe in the crew room while I'm changing; shotgun a coldshot on the way to the car; (no worries, I'm not driving); order pizza from the car; crank the Tragically Hip all the way to the house and possibly light a cigar. I'll drink Bavaria beer, and tomatoes and mushrooms on my pizza, Craig can have his own since he likes to eat icky dead animals soaked in grease. :P

What else could make it perfect? I've got the ultimate hockey game of the year, the ultimate apparel, the ultimate beer, the ultimate pizza, and the ultimate boy. I think this could be enough, but I'm sure the genious I am will come up with something to make it even more awesome later.

Going to the Red River Ex sometime this week. I'm supposed to go tonight but I'm bailing because we couldn't go until about 9:00pm, it closes at midnight, it's going to be raining, and they shut down the roller coaster because it smoked some guy in the head.

Dumbass.

Who puts their head in front of a moving ROLLER COASTER for Christ's sake?

Now one of my favourite rides is out of service until they investigate the situation, even though it was obviously attempted suicide.

... Well, honestly. Why else would he have his head there?

King's Head it is. I hope somebody gets me drunk.

Heal Over

2006-06-18T00:11:00.000-05:00

It's not about him.

Or her.

It's all about how you handle yourself.

If something goes wrong and you feel bad, it may or may not be your fault it went wrong, but it is your fault you feel bad about it.

It doesn't take much to be an optimist, it's simply a choice of if you feel like being happy.

Blame is an excuse to cover what you've failed at.

It's ok to want to feel sad, or angry, frustrated and confused. That's just a part of life, and you need to experience that side of it to appreciate the other.

Anyways, this may seem random, but I felt like posting it up in hopes of... well I don't really know. Providing hope maybe.

Here's one of my favourite lyrics, I think I've posted it before but here it is again:

"I don't want to hear you tell yourself, that these feelings are in the past. You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf, because pain is built to last."

I'm actually really tired so these words may be a result of my mind wandering off to dreamland, but in lieu of making sense, here's the whole song.

I can't ever get enough of it.

"Heal Over"

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realize
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime

I'm over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't want to hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain is built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds

I'm over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

I'm over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Cause you'll heal over
Heal over, heal over, heal over someday

The Tequila Queen

2006-06-17T11:03:00.000-05:00

It's funny how even though I have terrible luck I can still be generally happy with my situation.

This evening when I am finished work at this job, my music school job, I am going out for drinks with some people from my McJob, including my manager who I think hates me and has yet to speak to me about my no-show on Thursday, Craig, and Colette, and I forget who else actually but I'm looking forward to it anyways.

Bellini's on the patio at the Forks, it's going to be prime.

It's 25 Celcius out, and sunny as.

I went to the beach on Wednesday, and I finally have some sort of a tan going on, and I don't like pale and dead like all the other Winnipegers. I wish I was on vacation, but it's going to be a while before I can take one so I'm sort of pretending I am on one and living up my days as much as I can.

I do have a growing fear of not waking up though. After Thursday, I'm afraid to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up late and screw it all up again. Is there such a phobia? What's it called? It really is getting to me, and my stomach literally turns and I get panicky just thinking about it. Am I being irrational? I don't really think so, since it is retardedly difficult for me to pull myself out of bed every morning, and it happens on lots of occasions where I'll look at the clock and it's later than I ever intended for it to be. Is there a pill I can take to be able to wake up?

That's probably the only situation I'm not optomistic about right now.

Last night I went out with Craig to IVF, which stands for International Vinyl Fridays I think. Craig is very much into the whole trance/techno scene. I like it, it's a lot of fun. Everybody on that scene always has so much energy and I love it. Even if it is because they're all on drugs, they're lots of fun.

So yes. Craig and I went out to IVF and I decided I would be the DD for the night to match my enormous boobs, (... yeah, right), and so after Craig had one drink and me a Red Bull, I decided one shot of tequila wouldn't hurt to help me loosen up a little and to try to match the trance crowds energy. So I went up to buy us a couple of shots, and I ran into this guy who's been coming in to my drive through for as far as I can remember.

This guy, we'll call him Gretzky, is always bringing me gifts and he's asked me out once, all through the drive through. Gretzky drives a 4X4 that's always covered in mud from crazy offroading. He makes $30 orders that take forever to make, and whenever I hand out his meals, he gives me something in return. I've got hundreds of chocolates, candies, burnt hip hop, rap, and top 40 CD's, Bif Naked tickets, and once an invitation to a bus party going to Regina with all the free food and alcohol I wanted.

Gretzky is overall a sweetheart, and last night, the first time I've seen him out of his car, he was trashed. I ordered Craig and I our tequila shots, and I was looking at Gretzky like I knew him from somewhere, and he at me, and at the very same time we yelled at each other "HEEEEEYYYY!!!" Gretzkey bought our drinks, and then bought himself one. We talked for a while and then Craig and I went to go dance.

Not too long later, a waitress came up to us on the dance floor with a couple of more drinks from him, tequila again with lemon and salt. It was in a larger glass and I couldn't figure out why until we took it when we realized they were actually doubles and there were ice in them, and we took it all at once.

I decided against driving for a few hours. At least I had the crazy energy going, and Craig is a cheap drunk so three shots of tequila and two beers in, he wasn't going to be driving anywhere. He ended up having one more drink that Gretzky had bought for me, and two more tequila shots.

I've never actually seen Craig drunk. I've seen him drink, probably at the most three or so beers. At the beginning of the night I told him to get drunk and he said maybe he'd have three drinks but I won and he had eight.

We left just after 2:00am, because I am not a cheap drunk and I am also the tequila queen so three shots after like three hours is ok. It doesn't even phase me. Three shots after half an hour is usually ok, only I wouldn't drive then just in case.

I'm sort of talking out of my ass in this post.

Why stop now?

I was dubbed The Tequila Queen in late December by the main bartender at the Pyramid. One night, after about six shots, he started buying them for me, just to see how far I could go. I stopped at 14, only because I had to be up in four hours for work, but I could have kept going. I have free tequila waiting for me every mod night if I so choose to go.

But seeing how mod night is full of lame assed posers now, I choose not to be seen with them. The tequila queen has better places to be showing off her great and awesome drinking skills.

And people to teach them to... like my boyfriend, who stumbled to the car and to bed and told me not to worry about emptying the garbage can so he can puke in it because he would just throw the whole thing out if that happened. He didn't though, but he passed out instantly and was quiet/sick/and/or/grumpy this morning driving me to work at 8:00am.

I thought it was cute.

You know what else is cute?

This purple tongue ring I got yesterday with a yellow star in the middle! Love it. And I stretched my ears to an 8 gauge which really really hurt, but now I've got these surgical steel hexagonal tunnels going through them and it's super cute.

I wish I could take and upload pictures of myself. I'm kind of vain like that.

Vanity rules.

Ok. I'm done my blog-fart. For now. Sometimes you just need to let it all out.

Time of hEll

2006-06-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

"Do you work tomorrow?"

"Yup, 8 - 4!"

"Great, see you then."

Only they didn't see me then.

It was 11:34... upside down on a digital clock it spells hell. I figured that out when I was 9 and I had a fever for two days so I just lay in bed watching time and my world kept spinning and going upside down so I started reading all the times upside down. 11:34 has been my bad luck time ever since, and I see it twice on a daily basis.

Anyways, it was 11:34, and I tried to roll over to look at my clock but my face was half stuck to the pillow. 11:34. Holy shit. I sit up and rub my eyes, my face is sticky, and when I pull my hand away it's covered in blood. I look at my pillow, which is also covered in blood.

So I did what's natural for a girl who just realized that she fucked up and that she's covered in blood and I screamed. And I ran out into the living room in my birthday suit looking for Colette. I'm kind of glad she wasn't there now, and I'm pretty sure she's glad she wasn't either.

In that moment however, I didn't know what to do so I had sort of a crying breakdown thing and it turned out I had a nosebleed, like a giant one so I washed my face and hair and went down to the payphone and called Colette to see what to do.

Do I go into work? Should I even call? Should I lie and say there was somesort of horrible accident? I even considered picking my nose so I could bleed and give them some sort of legitimate excuse. If I showed up to work covered in blood, that would work right?

Then I decided against mentioning my nosebleed to anybody at work. Or even Colette, who I know I'll tell later. Colette said call work and ask Craig what to do. So I called my mom. My mom said to call work and ask Craig what to do. So I went up to my apartment and had a cigarette and cried because I was lightheaded. I went and threw up and then went outside to use the phone again and called Craig, who told me to haul my ass into work and they'd deal with me when I got there.

I hung up and cried some more. I felt like I got no sleep at all.

OK. If this was meant to be an ordinary day, I would have handled this a lot easier. But no. My main manager was going to be there. With his boss at that. And it had to be a Thursday, which are always stupidly busy, and Craig, who is my boyfriend, was managing too and was also having a pretty crappy day.

Craig's day started off with him running out of gas halfway to work because I didn't give him any gas money yesterday after we went to the beach. Last night when he dropped us off he seemed upset, I'm guessing because he has a ghost from the past who's actually very much not a ghost but a significant someone who's been harassing him. I find that if Craig's upset, I'm upset for him as well. I really care about him. A lot. His ghost also made an appearance on his phone this morning so he had a bad start. Then I didn't show up for work, and I screwed him over.

I didn't even stay up too late. But my mindstate sucked going to bed so that's probably what did it.

Anyways. I get to work just after 1:00pm.

Five hours late.

For my eight hour shift.

Everybody I work with just sort of stopped and stared as I walked by and someone started to say something but I didn't even stop and I went right to the office where Craig was there. Alone. My manager and his boss had left and are coming to talk to me tomorrow.

I started working at 1:30 and was still off at 4:00 to come to this shitty job I'm at now. And I can't get a hold of Craig and I've left him two messages to call me but I've heard nothing.

Words can't describe how shitty I'm feeling...

I'd post a picture to show you but blogger is being a baby and won't let me upload it.

It was just a picture of poop anyways.

More Guys and Sex and Kira

2006-06-11T15:23:00.000-05:00

This was my original post in March. So, this time my problem has to do with lies and sex.

Especially since I'm probably the most pathetic forgiving person on the planet.

Not to mention, when people lie to me, I seem to always find out about it and I don't know why everyone thinks I'm so dumb I'm actually not and I can read people like crazy... when somebody keeps something from me I can tell there is something they aren't telling me.

It makes me want to be gay.

I wish I had a choice because if I did I'd choose girls.

Actually, girls lie to me too. I would choose some sort of third option similar to masturbation where you could just instantly satisfy yourself by only thinking about it.

That'd fucking rock.

Actually, I don't have a lot to say right now. I re-read that other entry and it sums up my feelings very acutely right now except I don't even need to get laid.

If you can't trust someone you don't have anything and I don't think I trust anyone except one person in my life right now and it's not who you would think it would be.

I don't mean to be depressing except this morning I woke up and sneezed a piece of my brain out my nose and now I think I'm dying so whatever.

Maybe it was the part of my brain that made my blog posts fun to read.

Here's a couple of jokes that I didn't write to make this entry better:

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

Summertime

2006-06-03T12:07:00.000-05:00

And the livin' is easy,
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high.
Oh yo' daddy's rich
An' yo' ma is good lookin'
So hush, little baby,
Don't you cry.
One of these mornin's,
You's gonna rise up singin'
Then you'll spread yo' wings
An' you'll take the sky.
But till that mornin',
There's ain't nothin' can harm you
With your Daddy an' Mummy
Standin' by.

Searching for pictures, I found this:

Followed by none other than:

Spider! Crazy.

My other pictures wouldn't upload because blogger and my work computer are gay together.

Get paid on Thursday.

I'm getting my internet back.

Done this job June 17.

I'll be a free woman.

Except in relationship status... exciting new devolopments in that department yet to be blogged about.

Lady Luck

2006-05-28T13:09:00.000-05:00

Do you believe in luck?

I do.

I believe I have a lot of bad luck...

A small example of ONLY ONE day out of a series going on five days now:

7:15am - Wake up. My bus comes in 8 minutes, 5 blocks away from my bed.

7:16am - Run around naked in a panic, where are my clothes? What day is it? I have to pee... where's my purse? I need a cigarette, do I have cigarettes? Shit I forgot to put on underwear!

7:18am - Fucking bolting to the bus, backpack open, cigarette half-lit in full swing... I choke because I'm thirsty and I have a bad heart. I see my work hat on the sidewalk half a block behind me. I'll have to figure something out later, I simply don't have any time to go save it.

7:23am - Catching another bus on a different block, hoping to outrun the other which I'm sure has already left blocks away.

7:28am - Transfer busses. My timing is prime, my regular bus is right behind the one I caught. Yes.

7:48am - Off the bus, run into 7-11, buy a four pack of red bull and run into this guy that I see like everyday that I don't know but he has a crush on me and wants to chat. I am NOT in a chatting mood.

7:55am - Run into work, chug a red bull.

7:56am - Change into my work clothes without any underwear on, and start working.

8:00am - Chug another red bull, steal someones hat.

I should mention, work on Thursday was busy but not bad... well, not nearly as bad as Friday, which pretty much started out the same way only I was late, and the whole day went to shit after that... anyways, on with my Thursday...

10:00am - Chug another red bull... I gave my fourth one away to a friend who needed it just as badly.

11:20am - "Kira go on your break."

11:30am - "Kira we need you come back from your break." Dammit.

12:45pm - "AHHHH! I NEED A CIGARETTE!"

12:46pm - Walk to 7-11 get a Monster energy drink and smoke and chug.

1:00pm - I feel sick, but hyper.

2:00pm - Burn my knuckle on the grill in liquid cow grease and have my finger turn into a blister.

2:45pm - Talked to my dad over the phone, he said: "Get off of work 10 minutes early, your mother is picking you up."

4:04pm - Still working.

4:05pm - Walked off my shift. Sort of, it was supposed to have ended five minutes ago.

4:06pm - Mom says, "Great. You're late. We're never going to find a parking space now."

4:15pm - Get downtown despite crazy construction and rush hour, but can't find a parking space. Mom makes an angry kind of grunting noise at the fairy of downtown parking.

4:20pm - I snap, "Why did you have to get angry at the fairy of downtown parking? Now we're never ever going to get a spot!"

4:25pm - Mom snaps, "Parking is STUPID! God, if I didn't pick you up I would've found a parking spot no problem but now look at us. I'm going to have to park in impark!"

"Mom NO! Be rational. Be cool. We'll find a spot."

4:31pm - Mom turns into impark. She gives me a ridiculous amount of money to park for one hour and takes off. We're both late.

4:31pm - I don't even care. I spark a cigarette.

4:38pm - Walk into the office still in full McUniform and this girl I work with says to me, can you get the phone?

5:00pm - Change out of my McClothes and into nicer clothes, still commando, and go upstairs, my desk is closed, and dark, and fenced in and there is still a line up waiting for me. I close my eyes really tight trying not to let any tears escape, only two do but nobody sees.

5:30pm - Lady walks up."Excuse me, is CY here?""No, I'm sorry, he was off at four. Would you like to leave a message for him?" "Well not really. I'm renting the recital hall downstairs and I was supposed to have TWO grand pianos and ONE HUNDRED chairs set up, but there is only ONE piano in the corner and TWENTY chairs. CY said he'd have it ready for us and my recital starts in 30 minutes, I have people showing up in 10, and I have other things to prepare for."

5:31pm - Set up two grand pianos and one hundred chairs.

6:00pm - Still have a line up, still have my phone ringing off the hook.

6:02pm - Evil, void-hearted, Christmas-hater, guitar teacher busts through the line. He yells, "KIRA, DID YOU TELL THIS STUDENT THAT THEY COULD REGISTER FOR THIS TIME ON THIS DAY?" I look up trying to kill his soul with my eyes. Unfortunetly, he has no fucking soul so I answer instead. "Yes, they said that you chose the time." "I DIDN'T! I HAVE ANOTHER STUDENT I WANT AT THIS TIME! HOW DARE YOU BOOK THEM IN THERE WITHOUT TELLING ME FIRST!!!" "...I'm only doing my job, and your other student was too late, listen we can work this out later I'm a little busy right now." "I'M GOING STRAIGHT TO THE BOSS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THEY LET PEOPLE LIKE YOU WORK HERE." "... that's fine, there was obviously a misunderstanding, I will go with you to talk to her and we can discuss credentials with her while we're at it ok?" He took off because I know through another teacher that this dickwad managed to slip through the system somehow a couple years ago, and he couldn't even get accepted to university for music, let alone complete it, so he has no credentials and shouldn't even be working here.

7:00pm - Still busy. I haven't eatin anything since half of a sandwich at 11:20am. I feel like passing out.

7:33pm - My boss walks in. She's going across the street to get a coffee. She'll be right back... apparently all my bosses are meeting up tonight.

7:35pm - Phone stops ringing, line up's gone, this is my chance.

7:35pm - Grab my keys.

7:35pm - Grab my money.

7:35pm - Grab my iPod.

7:35pm - Stand up.

7:36pm - Piercing noise penetrates through my brain... the fire alarm's gone off.

7:36pm - Teachers walk up to me, "Kira, what do we do?" I realize I'm in charge. I haven't actually been trained on what to do in this situation so I thought back to school and I walked around to every room kicking people out. There were a couple of people who were like, "Oh, it's just a false alarm." or "Let me just pack up first" but I was nobody to mess with and I was all like "NO. OUT NOW!" It was kind of fun, but I was also on the verge of a breakdown.

7:38pm - Everybody's outside. They want to know if there's a fire. Fuck if I know. Or care. I hope the place burns down.

7:40pm - Fire department shows up. False alarm. "Well, we're taking off." they tell me and the security guard and the girl in charge of the dance studio next door. "But the alarm's still going off..." "Yeah. You need to call somebody to reset your system." "Who?" "Probably ADT. Bye."

7:41pm - Fire alarm still piercing. The lady who rented the recital hall is getting upset and has tears in her eyes. There are about 600 people who want to get back inside. Nobody at ADT is answering the phone.

7:45pm - We find the phone number of the guy that owns the building. He's angry we phoned. "Call ADT!" "We did! Nobody's answering." "Fine I'll do it."

7:50pm - Call him back, "Did you get a hold of ADT?" "Yeah yeah. They'll head down when they can find someone to go over." "Hello?! There are over 600 people waiting to go back inside! We need somebody now!"

7:59pm - No sign of anyone. Except my boss. Coming back from her coffee. "Oh my God! What's going on?!" "Is everybody ok?" I explain the situation and that we're not sure when the alarm is going to be reset. She storms at the security guard, this shy boy from Africa to give him hell. Luckily, he had got a hold of ADT and they said they'd be there in a minute.

8:05pm - I found my mom and buried my face in her shoulder while she talked about my boss telling her I'd better have followed all the procedures correctly...

8:06pm - ADT turns off the alarm and I let everybody back inside.

8:10pm - Get back to my desk to grab my keys, money, and iPod again but I have a line up. 3 out of 4 phone lines are ringing. I get back to work.

8:20pm - Called Craig and cried a bit. I needed to vent somehow.

9:30pm - Finished work. Didn't eat. Locked up the building and got the hell away ASAP.

If you liked this, just wait until you hear about my Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday! Who knows what tomorrow may bring, but it's 15USD for each story so send in your cash!

I believe in luck. Or maybe I'm just God's joke. Either way, fuck it all.

This quiz seems very Americanized...

2006-05-22T11:52:00.000-05:00

I'll answer as Canadian as possible though

honest blogger quiz 2006 edition

1. which political party do you typically agree with? NDP

2. which political party do you typically vote for? I voted Liberal... only so the Conservatives wouldn't win... but they won anyways.

3. list the last six presidents that you voted for? Prime Ministers: Paul Martin (even though he's kind of a dumb douche) there were very few NDP voters in my area and I didn't want Harper to win, Jack Layton in 2004. I wasn't old enough to vote before that.

4. which party do you think is smarter about the economy? Hahahaha none of them. Conservatives I suppose.

5. which party do you think is smarter about domestic affairs? NDP

6. do you think we should keep our troops in Iraq or pull them out? We aren't in Iraq... yet. I think we should stay out, or send our peacekeepers. America should pull out.

7. who, or what country, do you think is most responsible for 9/11? George Bush brought it on himself. So America because their government is selfish.

8. do you think we will find weapons of mass destruction in iraq? No. If they do, it will be America's own WMD.

9. yes or no, should the u.s. legalize marijuana? This will sound strange coming from somebody who smokes pot every once in a while, but no. I think they should legalize it for medicinal purposes only, and I think they should decriminalize it for the rest of the country but not legalize. Knowing Americans and their history, it would most likely end in disaster(s).

10. do you think the republicans stole the last presidential election? Most definitely. The last two were rigged.

11. do you think bill clinton should have been impeached because of what he did with monica lewinski? Aww... I don't really have an opinion on this one. I hate men that cheat, but overall I like Bill Clinton and I think that where he was retarded in some areas of life, he was very smart in others and he made a good president. I couldn't say. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do or not.

12. do you think hillary clinton would make a good president? Yes

13. name a current democrat who would make a great president: Oh God... I don't know, in Canada I would Jack Layton to be our Prime Minister. He's great. The only thing I don't like about him is his 'stache.

14. name a current republican who would make a great president: Ah-hahaha! I don't know. That goes for Canada too. Not Harper.

15. do you think that women should have the right to have an abortion? Yes. Personally it's something that I could never do and I believe there is something wrong about it, but I think everybody should have a choice.

16. what religion are you? Christian... for myself and myself only. Again, everybody is entitled to their own beliefs and nobody has the right to take that away.

17. have you read the Bible all the way through? I think so. In chunks at a time.

18. what's your favorite book? Harriet the Spy.

19. who is your favorite band? Right now I love KT Tunstall

20. who do you think you'll vote for president in the next election? If Layton's still running, Layton.

21. do you think President Bush should be impeached for domestic spying? He should be impeached for being a moron.

22. do you think President Bush should be censured for okaying the leak that led to outing a CIA agent? I don't know much about this so I can't really say.

23. do you think it was a coincidence that gasoline prices have nearly tripled and oil company profits have hit record highs while there was a US President whose family made its fortune through oil? Not at all.

24. do you think President Bush is the worst US President ever? and if not, who is? Yes he is the worst, Brian Mulruney was our worst Prime Minister thus far... we have yet to see how Harper will do. The outlook isn't great, but Mulruney was just dumb.

25. what website did you see this on first? THE BUSBLOG!!!tonypierce.com

Six-mini-'effin'-posts

2006-05-21T13:43:00.000-05:00

It's really quite simple.

It came to me as I was falling asleep last night in lyric form, my mind put a rocking out synthetic symphony behind it too... really beautiful techie-rock'n'roll; just in one cheesey-nursery-rhyme-yet-coolish-wisdomic verse that happened right before a chorus I never heard:

It isn't very hard to see

What your choice should have to be

If you had one day left to live

Who would you choose to spend it with?
-------------------------------------------------------

Did anybody ever take piano lessons as a kid?

In my very first piano book when I was five had a song called "Love Somebody"... and there was a picture of two bears in love... I'm pretty sure it came right after "Lavender's Blue"... don't ask me how I remember this, but it stuck with me I guess.

I think the lyrics to "Love Somebody" were:

Love somebody
Yes I do
Love somebody
'Deed I do
Love somebody
Yes I do
I won't tell I won't say who!

Who's the one that
I like best
Someone very
Near to me
I might tell who
It may be
You're the one oh can't you see!

My friends Alexis and Angie who took piano said that was their favourite song too. I wonder if they remember it. I always thought it was ridiculously cute though, and somehow the lyrics last night reminded me of it.

-------------------------------------------------------

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on Earth did you know?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

... Sha-ZAM!
-------------------------------------------------------

I've got a few adventure ideas for this year:

a) There's a certain bouncy castle somewhere in this city I plan on blowing up... I just have to find it.

b) I'm going to go to Oliver. I don't know when or if I'll go with anyone, but when I decide to go it will be a couple days before.

c) Before I go to Oliver, I'm going somewhere else. Ideas are: London, LA, Barbados, Montreal, Brisbane, or Rome. Who knows, I might end up in Brandon but hopefully that will happen before August.

d) I was supposed to go on an adventure last night with Craig... but I think it's postponed until Monday... we're on a mission to steal something nobody would really ever want to steal, but it's actually something we need for work... I'm sure I'll blog about it later.

e) Skydive. With my iPod. And if I can conceal it... drunk.

-------------------------------------------------------

Just to let you know, Kari's a ho.

-------------------------------------------------------

Every year around this time, I start to get impatient.

I get tired of jobs, tired of weather, tired of money problems, and I just want to move and travel and do crazy things that nobody would ever think of doing.

It makes me anxious, hyper, and depressed because I feel held back.

Well it's my goal this year not to let it hold me back.

In a month's time, I plan to have all my debts paid off. Ok, not all of them because it's impossible, but most of them.

I've been feeling down because I thought I was going to be stuck here this summer, working while all my friends were partying and traveling but there's no way.

This job I'm at now, will be over in a months time and I'm not coming back. June 17th baby, my last day!

I'm going to folk fest to volunteer.

I'm going to buy three bottles of Sun In so I can be blonde again by July.

This next month I'm going cheap. I'm going to live off of bread. I'm giving up sushi, drugs, and alcohol... (unless it's free of course). I'm going to try to quit smoking in a couple weeks time but we'll see. I won't go on any spontaneous shopping sprees until June 17th.

My plan after that consists of being hot, wild, and totally fucking nuts.

All while not spending too much money.

I can't wait.

(Bum... bum bum bum... bum bum bum... bum bum bum... yeah.)

I drink that bull crap

2006-05-20T17:28:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm addicted (really addicted) to Red Bull.

I'm wired right now.

I'm done my shift in 3 minutes.

My internet at home is disconnected.

So is my phone.

I have plans tonight, but tomorrow I'll try to update from here, I should have something worth writing.

Actually I have lots.

But time blows your mom so I don't have any time.

I'm in a super giggly/hyper mood.

That's my sister's fault, I talked to her earlier and she made a joke that left me laughing all day.

Anyways, one minute left in my shift.

I'm leaving, have a good night everybody everywhere.

I hope you all dream of flying bovine with wings!

Hey Fuck Nut

2006-05-14T20:52:00.000-05:00

Today was Peg City Rocker's birthday.

I've known her since I was 13 and she came to Munroe Junior High all wild and crazy from her private school across the street we all made fun of. Nobody seemed to like her because she acted super popular even though really we were all jealous of her.

She used to sit with us during jazz band even though she had no idea how to play an instrument. It was strange, but we decided to like her anyways.

In grade 9 we were on the volleyball team together. Nobody on the volleyball team really liked me but Alyssa and I always got along.

In high school, we didn't really talk a lot, we were both going through our own issues and had different groups of friends. After high school however, our groups got together and got high.

We've been close ever since.

488 was an adventure and a half, she was one of the few select 'cool people' who was allowed to always be over.

Sometimes she woke me up when she was partying and I had to be up early... she's kind of loud sometimes.

That's ok. She inspires me to be a little crazier, have more fun, and live life to its fullest.

To get up and dance when noone else is dancing, to howl at the full moon when a stranger says hello, and to speak my mind when I feel that I can't.

Alyssa, you're one of the coolest, strongest, awesomest, wildest, funnest, neatest, bestest people I know, and I know through time, we can get through anything together. We'll laugh, dance, cry and sing our way through it.

Everytime we're together it's an adventure, and adventures are what I live for so thank you for that and just being you.

Peace and good vibes... you rock.

The future is waiting, the past forgetting, right now is demanding

2006-05-13T16:51:00.000-05:00

I think something in me must crave drama.

On Friday, for the first time since I was a melodramatic teenager, I said to Kevin at work that I wished I could just be normal. Weird eh? He said I didn't mean it, and he got into the definition of normal and how nobody is, but I didn't mean it like that.

I tried to explain it to Chenoa too and she did the same thing.

In the past four years, I've always prided myself in being nuts, totally crazy, an utter looney. I do wild, spontaneous things and my idea of fun is to go on weird adventures. Even though I don't look down on anybody, I was very condescending towards the idea of being so normal (aka: BORING) and not doing wacky things.

But being crazy is holding me back too. Both sides have their downfalls:

- If I'm normal, I'm boring, and my fun isn't really that fun.
- If I'm crazy, I lose out on things normal people do, go to school, have a career, fall in love, learn a sense of responsibility that I also roll my eyes at but without I struggle to stay alive.

And that's where the drama comes in. I hate the idea of being dramatic, and causing problems, but then without it, life would be so dull.

Anyways, I would like to draw this to some sort of a conclusion but I don't really have one, so what do you think?

Is it better to be dramatic and crazy? Or boring but normal?

Is it possible to be NOT boring and normal?

I can't and I'm not going to change who I am. So don't get me wrong, I love being who I am, and I'm happy, but I can't help to wonder if I've missed out on anything major that I could have had if I was an ounce of sanity!
Hahaha! Yeah... whatever.

In more fun and interesting news, I am going to be sorting out a lot of this drama tonight, and then going and getting crazy drunk and Alyssa's 21st birthday party! Now there is a wild child...e.

Voicing it.

2006-05-11T22:59:00.000-05:00

This is a picture from the Mediterranean Sea along the south coast of Turkey where was a year ago today.

Here's a song I wrote a year and a month ago in Scotland. I was coming home to North Berwick from Liverpool and I wrote this on the bus while watching the sea from the bus driving on the cliffside highway and it was beautiful. I would record it, but I don't have access to the equipment right now. It's a rock song anyways. This is what I have to say:

Daydream, like you would dream
When you're asleep
Everything extravagant exists for
For you to see
But perception,
Your perception
Is the key

So throw away your knowledge
But keep your wisdom in your pocket
And see the world through
The eyes of a child

Then look at me

Tell me what I am to you
And if you could, what would you do (to me)?
You've got the whole world in your hands
Everything around is yours
From sunny skies to sandy shores
To swimming in the deep blue sea
So what would you want with me?

What's in a name?
Can a single word define
dimensionally, dianetically
Everything that makes you
Who you are
Choices you will make
And moments past?

If everything I am is sunshine
You must be the milky way
Because you're beautiful,
Too beautiful
To explain.

Now look at me

And tell me what I am to you
And if you could what would you do (with me?)
You have the whole world in your hands
Everything around is yours
From scattered skies to stony shores
To swimming in the deep blue sea
So what do you want with me?

I want to know, I have to know,
Because I want and know you too much
What would you do? Where would you go?
The options never end no no
I want to know, I gotta know
If you could choose would I be there
With you?

Tell me what I am to you
And if you could what would you do to me?
The whole world is in your hands
Everything around is yours
For starry skies to stormy shores
To swimming in the deep blue sea

Tell me what I am to you
(Swim)
And if you could, what would you do (to me)?
(Currents rush)
Everything around is yours
(So warm they carry you___ home)
From sunny skies to sandy shores
(Be)
To swimming in the deep blue sea
(Wild and free)
But what would you want with me?
(So warm but will you carry me___ home?)

The music behind it isn't as corny as the lyrics, but I actually like this corn. It fits me right now so there you go. I voiced it.

Chicago

2006-05-10T04:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I can't sleep so I think it's about time that I post my Chicago pictures from my trip to go see KT Tunstall.
It was a 22 hour bus ride both ways. Other than my second bus (Grand Forks, ND to Minneapolis), smelling like an outhouse and being full of some very interesting convicts, I loved every minute of it.

Grand Forks is a hick town. I don't like it a lot.

The Flood. I think this is/was a park.

Minneapolis.

What the fuck?

Nightfall.

It was actually really beautiful and nice out, which is a change from Winnipeg... at the time anyways. Frappucino is just what I needed, I have a love for Starbucks that just can't be beat.

In the middle of fucking nowhere.

4am on the bus.

6:00am in CHICAGO!!!

From Lincoln Park.

Sunrise.

Gross.

I found myself a hostel by 7:30am, then by 8, I went on adventuring and found the theatre she was playing at.

I lose track of time about here, but I met up with Nate who is only the awesomest person from Wis'can'sin that I've met. This is my first time meeting anyone from our little community in the blogosphere. We went for sushi, walked for hours, went to the Sears tower, got drunk, and then went to the concert.

Sushi... mmm...

KT rocks my fucking world.

The next day I woke up, had breakfast and then got drunk on the beach. Nate had to go home the night before which sucks because I could've done with some company, but man I've gotta say, I had a lot of fun adventuring even if I was on my own.

I'm Drunk.

Drunk on a bridge.

And again.

Get your kicks on

Still drunk.

... because Kari doesn't know what daffodils are...

Sunset.

Drunk again.

The forks of Chicago.

When I was little, I used to take piano lessons, and this church where our recitals were held had a banner up that said "GO WITH GOD", but it was printed in such a way that it looked like "GO WITH GOO". And to 10 year old me, that was hilarious. When I saw the building at 600 West Jackson Ave, I was reminded of it and to drunken me, I laughed at how it all just looked like goo. Hahahahahahaha!

This is a homeless man, Napoleon, who I chilled with for a while waiting for my bus, I shared my cigarrettes, he shared his stories. He was really nice. He called me his girlfriend.

This is Larry who just got out of jail. He was waiting for someone to pick him up from the bus stop, but in the meantime, we hid behind the bus station and chugged a King Can in -30 seconds. I passed out immediately on the bus.

Our bus broke down in Milwaukee. I didn't even know until this little girl woke me up and I realized that everyone was already moving to the other bus.

Baxter, Minnesota.

More of the flood. As far as you could see, it was all water.

Sunset at the border, and then I went home. :)

Letters from a girl who needs a cigarette

2006-05-06T18:54:00.000-05:00

This started as a MySpace bulletin:

I got this idea from Rob who got it from some hobo and I liked it a lot. These are the top 10 people in my life as of right now, who affect it the most. Surprisingly, or maybe not, none of them are family. I will also be posting this on my blog because only FIVE of these people are my myspace friends.

To Anonymous Person ..1:

You annoy the fuck out of me a lot of the time. And I think that you try. I don't know why you hate on me so bad, maybe it's because I'm a bitch. So lately I've been trying extra hard to be nice and I noticed we are actually almost having fun, and you're only pissing me off a little bit. I always wanted to be friends, and I understand I have nothing to offer really, but from what I know about you, we have very similar personalites and it'd probably be very cool to hang out. I'm not saying we have to be best friends but since we're always around each other anyways, it couldn't hurt to try to be buddies.

To Anonymous Person ..2:

I love you, I love you, I love you! You inspire me to be more adventurous than I already am, and take bigger risks and enjoy life to it's fullest! I worry about you a lot. I haven't been around lately, and I hope you're doing alright. I worry because I sometimes wonder if you've dug yourself in to deep. I can see you're in a funk, and even you know that while you're having so much fun, it's not a good position to be in, in terms of general life. It seems your only ambition is to have fun, which is fine, but to quote another person I love, you're walking on a "dental floss tightrope over a wilderness of razorblades", and I'm afraid you're going to fall and get hurt, or even hurt someone else. I'm almost a hypocrite in writing all of this, so I'm not judging you. In fact, I know exactly why you do everything you do. I just hope you'll be ok.

To Anonymous Person ..3:

You're my only known enemy. I can't even believe I have an enemy, but I suppose I brought it on myself. I don't like you, and I don't like the things you've done, and I want you to stay away from me and my friends, but I don't hate you. And I apologize for what I've said and other actions. Everybody has their own issues to deal with, and even though I'm involved, I went too far and I apologize for that. Don't come round here anymore, but I hope you get all your issues resolved and that you can move on in life and that you learn from your mistakes and establish a concience that keeps you from hurting people and staying out of other people's business. Good luck.

To Anonymous Person ..4:

You're not crazy. You're far from it. You're smart, beautiful (I mean inside too!!!), and full of love, and if you put your mind to it, I know you can work through everything you're going through right now. If I had to choose a song to dedicate to you, it would be heal over, by kt tunstall: "Everybody sails alone, but we can sail side by side. Even if you fail, you know that noone really minds."

To Anonymous Person ..5:

You're so awesome. I appreciate everything you've done for me lately and the last 9 years. Don't let men, (or lack of sex) bring you down. Remember, I'm probably suffering worse than you in that department so you can always say, "at least my situation isn't as bad as hers!". You inspire me in a different way, and make me more responsible. I know, I know, I'm not responsible at all, but there is that *twinge* of it that says "get off your ass and do this NOW!" That *twinge* is you. We'll be friends forever.

To Anonymous Person ..6:

You're my mystery. Not so much a mystery as I don't know you, because I read you like a book. It's more a sense of I don't know what I want with you, only that I want you somehow. I don't know what to expect, even though it seems it 'should' be obvious. You're so strange. I can't wait to see what will happen next. I have a feeling that even if it isn't what I expect, I will never be dissapointed with you or our relationship.

To Anonymous Person ..7:

You're fun, young, and gorgeous. We're almost like sisters that have never really been that close but we act like we are anyways. I know that you hurt a lot, but you know, while pain is part of life, as you grow older it's pretty much reconciled for. Life can be SO fucking awesome, and sometimes it can suck. But you know what? I guess that makes life alright.
You are such a sweetheart, and if you need anything, I'm here for you.

To Anonymous Person ..8:

You're such a bitch. We've been though everything. I'll love you forever, you dumb whore.

To Anonymous Person ..9:

You inspire me to. To be young, and innocent, but to keep growing and looking forward. I have all my faith in you that you can reach your dreams. I know you will. If you keep at it, it won't even be long. You're one of the coolest people I know, so keep being yourself and doing what's right. You're my hero for that.

To Anonymous Person ..10:

I think you're the coolest person that I've never met. You have problems like we all do but you think they're special. They're not, but they are your own. I guess sometimes problems last longer than others, but at the same time, you're feeding them to yourself. You're funny, hilarious, hot, beautiful, and my favourite writer. I want to party with you more than anyone else that I don't know, and I have a feeling we will party together sometime in the future. I'll always be virtually here for you to keep writing to.

Oceans of love,

Kira

Oh My Blog!

2006-04-18T01:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok, I know.

I've been busy.

Very Very Busy.

I miss blogging.

I have a lot on my mind.

A lot to say.

Many pictures backed up that I want to post.

I don't know when this will be a regular thing for me again.

Hopefully soon.

Really soon.

What God Said

2006-04-08T09:07:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning, and God said to me, "Kira, you're a rockstar! Can I have your autograph?"

I gave it to him, but I was a bit confused, because when I went to bed at 2:15am, I wasn't a rock star yet, and now, I am.

I stepped out of my apartment doors, to walk to work, only to find flashing camera flashes, and a flurry of reporters and teenaged girls and boys cheering my name.

"Kira! Kira!" They all yelled, and everybody was asking me questions, but with all the noise, I didn't understand any of them.

"I think I need a cigarette," was the only clear thought that processed as my mind wandered. I lit one up and started walking to work.

I came across a few police officers just before York Ave, the mangle of people still running around excitedly behind and around me.

"Miss Kira!" one of the police officers exclaimed in a Caribbean accent, "Are these people bothering you?"

"I have a headache..." I responded lazily, still half asleep.

"EVERYBODY BACK OFF!" he yelled, not helping my headache. The police officers formed a line and held off my followers.

"HAVE A GOOD DAY MISS KIRA!" he shouted after me. I didn't look back.

I got to work, and Kari was waiting for me.

"Man," I said, "What the hell are you doing here? It's 8:30 in the morning."

"I know! But oh my God Kira, look at this!" She pulled out a copy of Star magazine, and there I was, lighting up a cigarette outside my apartment, surrounded by the same mess of annoying assholes I had just seen fifteen minutes ago.

"I think I want to die a bit..." I muttered, a bit confused. I always wanted to be a rock star, but this was just WEIRD. "Do you know what's going on?"

"No, but look at this!" She pulled out a copy of the Globe. The best picture of me I've ever seen was centred on the front, and it was photoshopically detached from the nastiest picture of Kari I've ever seen, and I have some pretty bad pictures of Kari.

"Kira leaves best friend after a dispute over rude table manners!" it said across the top. The sub-caption said: "Kira's pissed: "The queen would not approve!" - direct from Kira's blog!"

I started laughing. I laughed until I cried. Kari laughed too. I told her to shut-up.

"Man," she said, "Look at your blog."

I pulled my blog up on my computer. Two thousand nine hundred and thirty-two comments on my most recent post. Loving me, hating me, obsessing me, reciting lyrics of mine that I have never shown anyone before, including "The Loud Noodles"... a song about a bad night I had years ago, where my friends kept me up with rude table manners and throwing shoes at me.

"I'm sorry Kari. It is kind of funny that everybody hates you though."

"I know! Especially since you're the bitchy one."

My phone rang.

I started my usual spiel, "Good morning, Manitoba's music school, Kira speaking -"

"KIRA?! THE KIRA?!"

I hung up. It rang again. I let it ring.

"What are you going to do about this?" Kari asked.

"I'm not quite sure..." I trailed off as a man with one of those ear piece cell phones, and a blue dress shirt, tie, and dress pants walked up the stairs and came up to me. "Kira, you've got to come with me."

"Who the hell are you?"

"Your agent, and you're late."

"Late for what? I'm at work right now, I can't just leave."

"You have rehersal, and we're leaving now."

Kari punched the guy in the face and knocked him out, then we locked him in a storage closet.

I called my boss. "Hey, it's Kira. Sorry to bother you at home, but I'm a famous rock star now, and I'm being harrassed at work and can't take the pressure so I'm going to leave until I can work things out."

"That's fine! Don't worry about it! Take as much time off as you want, we'll always take you back, it's a privelige to have you here!"

"...OOOOOO-Kaaayyy... and just to let you know, my 'agent' is passed out and locked in the storage closet 210, so you should probably deal with that sooner or later."

"No problem Kira! Take care of yourself!"

"Yeah... thanks. Bye."

Kari and I took a limo, (because it turned out I had millions of dollars in my chequings account and Visa cards), to the guys house on Maryland, where we drank Crown Royale straight from the 3 litre bottle and Lucas got us high. We laughed and played Halo 2 until we passed out.

It was a strange day.

Dreams are only dreams you know

2006-04-02T14:44:00.000-05:00

I'm at work, and I cannot upload any Alverstone or The Nods pictures right now but I will be doing so either tonight or tomorrow.

Alright, so this is my life situation right now:

I have just had two days off, last Sunday, and yesterday Saturday because of spring break. Other than that, I work two jobs, every single day of the week and don't get a lot of time to do much, even though I try.

My apartment is a mess, and I don't really have a lot of time to clean it. When I do, I find that I don't have any energy to put into it. I haven't even decorated yet and I moved in at the beginning of January.

I have two KT Tunstall tickets and a bus ticket to Chicago on April 10 - 13 so I am really psyched to take some time off to go see my favourite recording artist ever. Not to mention, I'm meeting up with Nate from Wisconsin so that will definitely be a sweet trip.

I have finally narrowed down on all the jerks out there into one crush on someone who's not a jerk at all but for some reason I find myself getting involved in complicated situations all the time, it's like I'm destined to always fight hard for what I want and when I'm always exhausted it's a difficult feat.

I find myself being a bitch way to much, and complaining and coming across to people as someone who thinks I'm better than them, even though, I don't but something in me feels it necessary to stand up for myself all the fucking time and challenge people who try to take away my little rights. Especially at work.

I am broke and in debt. So much to the point where I don't know how I'm going to get to work tomorrow because all my accounts with CIBC are locked, and I can't get a bus pass. I think I might have to ask someone for money, but I really don't want to do that... even though there are people out there who would help me in an instant.

I saw a made-for-TV movie the other day starring Elisha Cuthbert, (who I love), on gambling and it only made me want to spend more money and try to win it back. Especially since I have a new found love for poker.

(Oh yeah, my buddy Alex gave me a TV which is also resulting in a lot more laying around but I'm very grateful for it.)

I am putting together a charity concert for The Weekend to End Breast Cancer, and I am really regretting taking on this task simply because I don't have any time for it.
I normally would love to do something like this, and I'm signed on now so I can't back out because I promised to raise $2000 before June 9. So a charity concert should bring in some revenue but I'm having a huge problem finding a venue with equipment that will donate their space for free. The West End Cultural Centre is supposed to be really good, but I haven't heard a thing back from them no matter how much I call so I need to look into other places. I would love to have an outdoor concert but the risk of rain means risking all possible income so I'm not sure, although I might resort to that.

As of the moment I have raised $0.00 so I have a long way to go. And hey, I have a personal web page where you can donate money over the internet into my fund so if you would like to make a difference in finding a cure to end breast cancer please visit it here now! If you don't, you are a heartless monster.

I will be making a big post on this too later, I haven't had time to even make my personal page personal yet! But yes, that link is my page.

I have been slowing down on the party scene, and haven't even been drunk in a while. (Which is over two weeks, which is a lot of time for a party animal like me!)

Tonight my Nan is picking me up and making me her famous macoroni and cheese for dinner and we're watching Desparate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy together before she drives me home, and then Alyssa is set on getting me drunk probably because I sounded stressed out on the phone.

Dreams of the summer seem to have floated out the window for the moment and back to the sky where they came from because it's going to take time before I can travel, and I'm thinking I might do the same trip in the fall but I won't decide anything until the middle of June.

My tongue isn't swollen anymore, and Colette says she can get me quality tongue rings for less than $5.00 because she sells them at her store.

I still haven't kissed anyone. I actually surprise myself sometimes.

Life is good, but it wears you out when you try too hard. I'm taking this as a sign to slow down, and take better care of myself. I think I will quit my music school job after I'm finished on June 17, and stop partying so hard and going to so many concerts. I'd like to take up yoga.

I've decided to stop splurging money whenever I feel like it and start saving. Even if I don't know what for. Travelling probably, I need to see this world, all of it.

I'm not going to dwell on boys anymore. If they like me they like me, if they don't they don't but I'm not looking anymore. If it comes along great! Hopefully I'll have time for them, but until then, I'm going to live it up in a much more relaxed and healthy fashion.

I am so full of shit. HAHAHAHAHA

I'd love to do all of that, but will it happen?

No, I'm too naturally wild for that!

I need a hit of adventure right now I think.

Ciao bellas!

Yesterday... yesterday, it's already tomorrow! Oh, no.

2006-03-29T19:02:00.000-06:00

Alright!

We're on our way to see The Nods...

And Alverstone!!!

I've had some red wine and some hot and spicy chili-veggie-dogs and I FEEL AWESOME!

Boo yeah.

Oh yeah, I have a new crush. *blushes* well, not really. well ok really, but it's probably just the wine.

Here's Chenoa and I right now.

I must warn you, it's the hottest picture ever taken.

Ever.

Spectrums of Me

2006-03-27T21:01:00.000-06:00

love, values, compassion, adventure, faith, strength, respect, spontenaety and dreams

Yeah, I felt artsy-fartsy. So what? I like it anyways.

Just some pictures

2006-03-27T01:51:00.000-06:00

Of the past week because I'm too sleepy to write.
Pics of two Mod Night's ago, last monday, John's party, Tele concert, Alonso's party, and then at the zoo with Chenoa today all shuffled up because I'm just lazy. I didn't photoshop any of them either therefore some are too dark but I know you don't care so neither do I because it's past 2:30am. I like how they're shuffled... it's always funny to see Alonso next to a monkey.

Guys and Sex and Kira

2006-03-25T22:22:00.000-06:00

Guys like sex.

Well, girls like sex, and I definitely like sex, but guys really like sex in a way that I just can't understand.

Guys will lie, cheat, steal, break every rule in the book, and even go against their own morals just to get some.

If they aren't happy with their girlfriend, they won't dump her, because the sex might be good. And because they don't like her, they feel it's ok to cheat on her and don't think twice about feelings because the feeling of their orgasm is instantly incomparable to her emotions.

Orgasms.

Fucking sweet.

But, even the longest ones can't be compared to the length of other feelings which can last up to a lifetime.

So why is it so important to guys to achieve that instant of bliss while consequences could leave them miserable for a much longer period of time?

I don't understand men, I don't pretend to, and I definitely don't like them.

When I decide I do like them, they don't like me anymore.

I think that's just me though. Guys like me because I'm a piece of ass and to them that means wicked sex.

Soon as they find out I'm not interested in that, or I want something more than that, they bail.

Words can't descibe how shot my self-esteem has become over the years, in love and sex matters anyways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a bitch and nobody should like me, and I know what I've heard a million times over throughout the past five or so years that one day I'll find someone who's just perfect for me but I'm getting a little ticked off.

Like, what the fuck?

I don't want casual sex. That's not to say I don't like it, I just don't want it.

I want sex to mean something, and really, it's never meant a thing to me before. Ever.

So I hate guys instead.

They're not about being romantic and the love feeling surrounding sex, they're all about the physical.

Don't you dare say they're not because I haven't met one guy (that's had sex anyways) that is into the whole emotion thing, or maybe I should say I haven't seen a case where the emotion thing overpowers the physical sensations.

Fuck. I'm bitter right now.

Maybe I just need to get laid.

Somethings wrong, I'm having good luck...

2006-03-25T11:30:00.000-06:00

Wake up 7:00am, get my lunch and clothes ready for work, but pass out again.

Wake up at 8:00am, I feel happy. Bizarre, because I'm hungover and about to be late for work.

8:10am, make it out the door, Colette is with me. We smoke and our heads hurt and it's icy and wet, (outside, not our heads), I have my iPod playing on shuffle and it picks out the best, most subtly energizing songs the whole way to work.

Now it's 8:33am, and I am only 3 minutes late. Not bad at all, and nobody, even the teachers who are supposed to have students now, is here yet so nobody knows I'm late.

8:45am and I'm sitting down. Shannon left a tin of cookies with my name on it (shamrock cookies at that because she didn't make her St. Patty's ones in time this year so extra luck there!), and her candy dish is full of more jolly ranchers. Awesome. No new messages on the phone. Nice. I have one email saying there are free movie passes for whoever wants them. Sweet! Today is awesome. I check my folder which feels heavy. My mom left my mail in there for me!

9:45am my hangover is gone and it's still very quiet. I joke about having a good day with everyone I see. Everyone else is having a bad day. Sucks to be them.

Right now it's 11:15am and things have been rolling really smoothly, although the only two people I've had to deal with today were ridiculously strange and ill-tempered, I'm smiling. And blogging? On a Saturday morning at work? That's crazy! Usually I'm ready to cry because it's so busy right now and I can't take it anymore. I can take this. I can do this every week.

I checked my horoscope, just to see if this trend will continue all day long:

"Today can very well be a high point on your calendar. Your creative juices are flowing and you are riding an energetic high. You feel ready to do anything and you know whatever you touch will turn out great. All this may be true, but the overly-optimistic approach has a darker side too, enticing you to participate in too many events at once. Make a choice; either eliminate a few activities from your day or spread yourself so thin that you cannot fully enjoy any of them."

I call bullshit. But I am on an energetic high which is nice.

I think I may go for lunch soon... but I still can't chew so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Oh yeah! I made wicked Kraft Dinner last night... like really good stuff, and I brought it. I overcooked it just a bit so I don't have to chew so much and it's perfect!

Somebody from Montreal has been calling me this past week and tried again right now but I can't talk on my cell phone at work, or make long distance calls back which sucks because I wonder who it could be... maybe it's Aglae or Nadine! Saying that they're coming to Winnipeg to party with me!

The only downers of this day so far is my mouth hurts, and actually my whole body's beat up. I think it's from dodgeball.

Oh man. Did I mention I played dodgeball on Tuesday?

It was a work outing, our store against a store down the street and yeah. Fucking dodgeball! I haven't played it since I was 12, but it was really fun! I'm really good at dodging but not so good at balling so in the first round when it was down to me and this one guy on the other team, I was kind of humiliated because I can't aim more than a four year old boy aiming for the potty. He missed me a lot though, and his throws were good! Eventually he got me and we went on to play 7 more games.

The best is Doctor Dodgeball. Does anybody remember that? Best game ever.

Last night was Alonso's birthday party, and I have lots of pictures but they're too dark to put up now, but when I get home I'll hit up the photoshop and post away.

I'm hungry, but since it's still weirdly quiet, I'm going to go do what I do best.

Ciao for now!

EDIT: I forgot to mention in my folder I found a cheque for $250! I'm broke as... a poor man (?) right now and I forgot we got paid this week so now I'm just laughing. Oh and Montreal called back but it was only CIBC trying to give me another credit card. I'll probably take it.

Post-Blogging Hiatus

2006-03-25T10:20:00.000-06:00

Dear Blog,

I am back.

I've missed you and I'm sorry I cheated on you with my-space.

Actually, the only reason I came back to you is because my-space turned out to be gay, and though we're still good friends, things will never be the same as they were this past month.

I hope you can forgive me.

I promise I'll make it up to you in lots of crazy posts of random adventures that have been filling up my life lately.

Love always,

Kira

Out all alone, no-one's inspiration but her own

2006-03-23T00:30:00.000-06:00

Well, call me a selfish bitch.

I am out to look out for myself.

First and foremost before anyone else.

I'm not in love, and I don't have a family to look after, but I do have responsibilities like my two jobs, and my apartment to look after.

I have dreams and ambitions of my own, and this body is my own to look after and do what I like with so if I want to pierce my tongue or take a night off partying that's what I'm going to do because I am an adult and nobody is going to take care of me or make choices for me anymore.

I don't want anybody to take care of me, I don't want to live under any rules other than my own.

I'm a good person, and I would never hurt anybody intentionally and even though life can be confusing and have it's awful moments, it's always an adventure to see what's next and I can't take back the past. I accept the situation in the moment as it is, shitty, shittier, shittiest, or maybe it's not as bad as it seems.

I have to live it out anyways and so I better just face up to it and make it into the best situation it can be.

Fuck melodrama, fuck gossip, fuck pretending to care. If I care I'll show it, if I don't I'm going to fuck off and not have anything to do with it anymore.

Fuck addiction, anyone can conquer anything. Even as a smoker, I still believe that we cannot rely on addictions to help us through problems because they ALWAYS make it worse.

In fact, in a bad situation, you should lighten up a bit on your addictions because it makes it just that much worse.

Fuck lies, cheating, stealing. I love my friends, but you will not be my friend anymore if you do any one of these things to me because like I said, I am looking out for myself.

Fuck worrying. It's pointless. It makes you old. It makes you paranoid. It causes pain, and negativity. Yeah, fuck worrying straight up.

Fuck complaining, that is my biggest downfall in this moment. I like my life. I like who I am no matter how trippy. I am a good person. I will be there for my friends, and I will voice my opinion but I will mind my own business as well.

I am out to have a good time in life, and enjoy it to it's very fullest and I will help out where I can but I won't take any extra bullshit so don't even try me. I will give you the best advice I can, but I will not make any decisions for you. My mistakes are my own to make and so are yours.

I wish everyone the very best in whatever situations they may be going through right now, but please don't ask me to do things that will cause me extra stress because I won't do it.

I guess that makes me selfish, but you know what?

It also makes me smart because I am happy so nothing anyone else says matters.

Cry faithlessness, and then just have a little faith...

2006-03-13T21:49:00.000-06:00

Well today has officially been one of the worst days of my life.

Everything that could've been wrong, did go wrong, plus more! A lot more really.

Not to mention that I, Kira, actually have an enemy. I mean, we were never friends, but now I have someone who's willing to go out of his way to hurt me and my friends.

Other than my little "enemies" back in elementary school, I've never had anyone like this.

As much of a bitch I am, I never mean it, and I never could hurt anyone deliberatly.

I love my friends dearly, so much, and somehow something is telling me, (along with quite a few other people), I've gotten into the wrong crowd. The bad scene. And in a way, I have, but my friends are not bad people, I just don't know if I can pull through the same kind of shit they do like they do. They are stonger than me, and really, I am sensitive.

My dad told me, (well he's told me to get out of this scene ages ago, but has since decided since I'm never going to leave my friends to accept it), he said on the phone it is just one day, and we all have them and just push through it and it will get better.

Mysterialistic posted a quote on myspace that said: Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow".

I suppose I will. I have to go to the police tomorrow, and I'm wondering if that can get me off of work, because I'm so work-stressed-out right now it's crazy.

Other than that though, I have been having a lot of fun lately.

Here are some pictures from the past few weeks to bring a downer self-inflated post into a happy one:

Thanks to all my friends for being there for me, you fucking rock.

Seven messages to my friends who I saw last night

2006-03-12T15:53:00.000-06:00

Hey to everyone who I saw last night, which is a lot of you.

First off, shit I was drunk... and I had a lot of fun but I'm kind of embarrassed because I acted pretty retarded but whatever. I had 'the stumble' going on from 10:30 - 4:00. Think of it as a special occasion because I don't plan on getting like that again for a while.

Secondly, I really did have a lot of fun.

Thirdly, I apologize sincerely to anyone I may have smacked, yelled at, made their nose bleed, laughed at them, fell on top of, or started a bunch of shit that they didn't really need. I'm sorry for pissing a few people off.

Fourth, I'm sorry for not smacking a couple people... especially the ones who I pissed off enough to file a report against me to the police.

Fifth, I'm sorry to Linette for not making it out to Desire. I wanted to, but somebody told me that they were charging $10 to get in and I don't have $10 but I love you lots and I hope you had an awesome night!

Sixth, what was with the porn? And the anime porn?

Seventh, I love all my friends old and new very dearly and you guys all made my night and I hope we all can party, though maybe not so hardy again and again and again.

Till later gators, ciao for now brown cows!

- kira

PS: I'm ending my blogging hiatus soon.
PSS: I've been on a myspace rampage.

Kira does the Seven Deadly Sins because She's Bored

2006-03-04T00:45:00.000-06:00

It all started with me catching myself feeling sorry for myself on a Friday night.

Moping because I wasn't invited over to a hot-tub party on the other side of town. What makes me feel better when I'm mopey, depressed, and gross?

Well, drinking for one. Friends, or other substances to make me forget about my self-induced misery. But more than anything - FOOD!!!

I love food, so when I caught myself pigging out on amazingly delicious sushi in my bed, I realized: This is gluttony. And then I took a picture of my food.

Then I thought, since I've sinned once tonight, let's go for all seven!

So here they are, starting with my favourite, GLUTTONY:

Then I realized I can't remember all of the sins so I looked them up on the internet while listening to KT Tunstall. I see Envy on the list.

Envy? Pfft! I'm not jealous of anyone or anything. I spend a good ten minutes thinking on this one. Then I realize, while KT is rocking out on my computer, that I'm totally jealous of her, and if I didn't have the privilege of being Kira, I would also like to be Ms. Tunstall because she's living my secret, (not-so-secret anymore), dream.

Here's ENVY:

This is the picture I'm looking at.

I'm not envious of her dress though.

Then I think to myself, I am goddamn selfish. Ten minutes to find something that was almost more humble than envious. I guess it must because I'm perfect. Damn, I'm proud.

Here's PRIDE:

Yeah, I had to take two pictures and paste them together because the sign and my face would not fit in the same frame on my camera phone! Do you want to slap me yet?

Let's move on...

I was really fucking full from all that sushi, and I'm giving up on this whole idea. It's way to much effort. I sit down and light a smoke, and BA-DUM-CHA! We have sloth! I am a lazy asshole, so I crack a drink-open just for this shot.

With the grossest picture of me ever, here's SLOTH:

After just laying around, my drink is long gone and immediately I am looking better and I want to show off the hot whore I am. Well, not really. I'm not the underwear model type... at least not until a few drinks more.

This is LUST:

Still feeling slothy, I grab my guitar and start playing. I sing about wishing I had money so I could make a wicked greed picture, but I'm flat broke. So I gather all my prized possessions, (within arm's reach anyways), and gather us all together for a photo.

Here's GREED:

(FYI: That's a fresh drink in that picture. Other items are my iPod, guitar, penguin from Kevin, Lala the Bunny-Slut, my journal, my notebook full of songs I've written, alcohol, cigarettes, old-school camera, old-school discman, my designer sunglasses, a stack of CD's and my Visa card.)

But what are possessions if you have no-one to show them off to? Everybody needs friends to brag to! Then I remember why I was ever miserable to start with! Because I'm mad my friends didn't invite me to their hot-tub party! I'm pretty fucking upset.

Here's WRATH(can you feel it):

I think my favourite sin must be gluttony because sushi is so damn good. What's your favourite?

Now it's back to sloth for the rest of the night. A few people, (who I do really want to hang out with), even called me up and asked me to come out and party but I'm so tired and lazy, I'm just going to crash instead.

Bye losers.

I'm lovin' it!

2006-03-02T16:29:00.000-06:00

This picture is for Tony.

Oh Man. I know. Cheesey. But you know I really don't mind my job. I even daresay I like it.

Except when this happens:

It's 6:30 am. My alarm on my phone goes off. I always set that one as well as my clock radio because I tend to ignore alarms. So I open and close my phone.

My other alarm goes off, so I reach for the snooze button and then hit the radio button instead and I realize it's my phone going off again!

My phone doesn't have a snooze setting so this confuses me, and my radio is really loud and annoying - I want to die a little bit.

I realize my phone is ringing, and it's not my alarm. I shut off the radio and answer my phone without looking at it or who is calling.

"... ughhhhhhh... hi?"
-"Hey Kira, what's up?"
"Who the fuck is this?"
-"It's Ryan!"
*grumble* "Ryan who?"
-"From work!"
"Which work?"
-"The one you're working at today!"

I am sure it's 6:30, but I still have a wave of panic rush over me.

"Shit, am I late?!"
-"Nope, but I need to ask you a favour."
"Unnnnngggggguuuuhhhhh"
-"Can you start at 7 this morning?"
"No."
-"Please! You have to, JJ called in sick and there's only Parm and Ceri working until 8. It's going to screw them up the ass if they're on their own"
"I would, but even if I leave right now, I won't get there until 8."
-"... ooooooo-kaaaaay?"
"I'll be there as soon as I can, but that's the best I can do."
-"Ok, we'll see you around 8 then?"
"Yeah, BYE."

Feeling pissed off, I decide on 5 more minutes of sleep before I leave... I go to set my clock alarm for 5 minutes later, but something confuses me... and all the numbers are screwed up so I tell myself I'll just wake myself up in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later, I roll over and look at the clock ready to get up. The time is 4:05am.

Huh?

I check my phone for verification. 4:05.

I am so confused.

What just happened?

Then it hits me, that my first alarm was Ryan calling, and then I hung up on him and he called me again which was my second alarm.

He called at 4:00am. In the morning.

So now, I sit up straight, pissed right off and dial work.

-"Henderson Mc-"

"Why are you calling me at 4 in the morning?!"

-"... To come in for JJ at 7?"

"Oh right. Well why didn't you tell me I sounded like I was on crack and that it was 4 in the morning?"

-"I figured you knew?"

"The fact that it sounds like I'm dead didn't give it away I had no clue what was going on?"

-"You sounded like you were awake!"

"... why the hell would I be awake at 4 in the morning?!"

-"Because you're on crack?"

"What? No. Man. Unnnnguh!"

-"Alright then."

"Ok, I guess I'll try to make it for 7 now, but I'm not sure what bus will get me there that early."

-"Alright, thanks. You're saving Parm from being screwed over up the ass."

"I think you said that already. And ew. See you later."

-"Bye!"

So needless to say work was rough today. I was going to have a nap but I'm stupid therefore I just drank a large coffee instead so I'll be tired when I go out and drink and get home late.

There's a chance I might be called in again for 7 if JJ is still sick, but if Ryan calls at 4 I'll be drunk and that conversation is sure to be even more interesting... and undoubtedly more confusing.

Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me

2006-03-02T00:10:00.000-06:00

This is what my computer has been staring at the last few days. Yuck.

I decided I was just going to stay home again, because going out would require me leaving this seat, not to mention the apartment block and getting on all my winter attire.

Then Kari said, let's go on a drunken adventure.

And that changed everything.

It wasn't the greatest adventure. I had ordered a pizza earlier that wasn't sitting right with me... some things just don't want to be eaten I guess. But it was really good to get out. We walked for like 3 hours, drinking and pushing our way through the snow around downtown, and into Osbourne village.

This is a building I had never taken notice of before. It looks like a jail. It didn't say what it was but the address was 444 York Ave. It had government signs and bars in the windows and overall freaked us out. It's my new favourite construction.

If anything, we got drunk, (Kari more than me), sushi, lime flavoured Italian soda's to mix with, and one hell of a workout seeing as the sidewalks aren't plowed and there's almost a whole foot of snow covering all of it.

I feel somewhat better now.

Kari always cheers me up.

lay around and party - rock, roll, and crash.

2006-03-01T18:04:00.000-06:00

Listening to The Nods, and still like them though I'm not sure about their new name yet. It's alright I guess.

There's a blizzard outside, and most people in our city are groaning, and people from outside are city are saying, people who live in Winnipeg are crazy.

On the other hand, it makes me want to go for an adventure and it's the highlight of my day. I guess I have the madness it takes to live here!

Alyssa wants to go out tonight, but I'm not sure yet. "There is a concert someone is playing somewhere, you know the one I'm talking about right?"

I think there's a concert or 5 in Winnipeg every night, even blizzard nights.

I love this city.

Dreamin'

2006-02-28T17:40:00.000-06:00

The best kind of dreams are sex dreams.

I had a good day today.

She picked up a rock, threw it at the car, hit him in the head, now he's got a big scar.

2006-02-27T16:30:00.000-06:00

(name that tune anyone?)

Well, I am trying to get my act together and stop partying so hard and take care of myself.

At least that's what I said to myself last week.

I often have this thought cross my mind: if the little girl I once was could see who I've become and what I'm doing with my life, she would be so disappointed. But then, as a little girl, I was the biggest little nerd. I got beat up, and never knew why, but if I could see this little girl now, I'd probably want to beat her up too.

I was a little shit.

This weekend, at work on Saturday, I started to have this weird panic attack. I wasn't hungover, I hadn't done drugs, or even drank coffee.

It started when this one teacher didn't show up for her lessons and her students were demanding me to find out where she was. This lady, is almost 80 years old... a real sweetheart too. I quickly found out she didn't show up yesterday either, so I called her place but only got the machine. I called my boss at home who didn't know what to do either because it's unlike her not to show up and didn't want to cancel the rest of her lessons.

Then one of the mothers of a student started yelling at me and crying, CALL THE POLICE! WHAT IF SHE'S DEAD? YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING! YOU'LL BE SUED!!! I called a bunch of other people, friends, her niece - who is her only relative I think, and hadn't heard from her either... and eventually I called our executive director who was very calm (and I love him he's a wonderful person) and said he would go to her apartment and check up on her and talk to her landlord.

This is what began my panic attack... it was very internal, I like to think I acted very calm, but my heart was racing, and my mind was screaming random thoughts about everything... and while being the only one at the desk, and having everybody stare at me made me very paranoid like all of a sudden I was responsible for everybody's well being.

There were a total of three emergencies at work that day... a lady ran in with her puppy and was looking for some hydrogen peroxide to feed it because she ate a pile of rat poison and needed to vomit it up before it killed her. I didn't have any but I ran around the building with her because it made me panic too and I love dogs and we couldn't find any so she ran outside, carrying her puppy, in her tshirt, (in -35 weather) hoping she'd find some anywhere. I don't know what happened after that.
Then I had this gay opera singer call me up and freaking out because he had a big performance that night at the concert hall and he left his music on my desk and needed to pick it up but we were closed so I ran to the concert hall to drop it off and I had a security guard yell at me and chase me because I was backstage and I wasn't supposed to be, but I don't even know how I got there. I left the music with him. I hope he got his music alright.

I got home, and I couldn't calm down. My plans got cancelled so I was just going to try to sleep, but I couldn't stay still. Just as I finally started breathing again, the rock star called, (see Ciao for Now - a letter), and invited me over for a party and I had got him off my mind for the first time in ages and here I am, freaking out alone, and he calls me up. I told him I wouldn't go. I had plans. And then I hung up and freaked out some more in the bath.

I went to Starbucks and got a Chai Tea Latte, and listened to KT Tunstall. It started to work. Chenoa called me up and I told her to meet me at Starbucks. I need a friend. Alyssa calls me up: "WE ARE GOING TO THE ROCK STAR'S PARTY! WHOO!"

"I'm not up for partying man, I am freaking out."

"THEN YOU NEED SOME ALCOHOL! YEAH! I'LL PICK YOU UP IN 10!"

"I'm at Starbucks, I'm not leaving for a while."

Ten minutes later, Alyssa shows up before Chenoa, and then when Chenoa arrives I am calmed down... somewhat. We head back to my place, and I am poured a drink.

This is Drink #1 - Vodka and Orange Juice.

Chenoa and Alyssa want to go to the party. One of them said it would be good for me. My drink is finished, I agree. But I don't bring any alcohol, I want to say sober, I'm afraid if I don't I'll go crazy in front of everyone.

We get to the party... I know most people there. This is good. It's not a huge party, maybe 25 people.
I say hi to the rock star, and the rest of the crew, no one seems interested to see me. I find out everyone's on drugs... namely ecstasy. Someone hands me a drink. I drink it.

This is Drink #2 - Tastes like Gin and 7UP, but is kind of foggy so maybe not? It's not very strong anyways.

My friends are already drunk, but not on drugs though. This makes me happy that they're having a good time. I go out with Alyssa for a cigarette... I didn't bring my bag, just my keys, cigarettes, lighter, and oh shit, my iPod is still in my pocket. There are more people I don't know at the party now... some paranoia comes back, but then, I find myself in an old school elevator, laughing, and freaking out because I hate elevators and this one is very old. Alyssa and I are smoking and drinking and going up.

There were transvestites at the top, and we spoke with them... and laughed. A lot. I felt bad, I just couldn't stop laughing. It wasn't even at them, I was just having a fit.

Then we were on the fire escape and I got scared because I hate heights, the wind was blowing and it was cold. I want to go back inside.
I'm inside. In the rock star's room with a lot of smiling people. Some guy I don't know puts his hand between my legs, kisses my neck and I laugh and leave the room to find Chenoa.

She was in the living room, and I find myself in the kitchen on the floor. Alyssa is with me again, and she hands me a beer.

This is Drink #3, some kind of beer, my last drink of the night.

I don't know much after this. Someone said I was kissing people. Someone said I was singing all night. Someone else said I was dancing on the roof. Someone said I couldn't stop telling people to shut up.
I have another memory in the elevator with this guy Hal and I was talking really fast but I don't remember about what.
I also remember Johnny sitting in a closet almost in a fetal position with sunglasses and hat on just smiling. He said, "Hi, I feel so good." Then I laughed and he got offended.

My friends Claire and Michelle, (when did they get here?), are leaving. I am way too drunk. How am I so drunk? I have had three drinks, and I am no lightweight. I go to grab a cigarette and walk them to the car, my cigarettes and lighter are gone. Fuck. Michelle gives me a couple of hers. I run home. I puke for 1 hour... maybe longer.
I wake up, almost late for work at noon, put on my clothes, wash my face, brush my teeth, get my jacket, scarve, mitts, iPod... where's my iPod? I start crying, where is it? My panic is back. I search everywhere. It was in my pocket at the party. My pockets are empty.

I run to work without it, and panic all day at work. I can't think. I feel like I've been doing lots of drugs. This isn't a normal hangover, my head is messed up. I couldn't focus all day long.

Alyssa texts me: I have your iPod.

Thank God. She had found it sitting in the corner of the living room at the party and recognized it as mine.

So here's what happened. I was talking to this guy I know about my night and he told me someone gave me gamma-hydroxybutyrate or GHB in my drink. It turns out he knows everything about all drugs and this was his diagnosis and I think I agree. What the hell is GHB? I looked it up:

Liquid ecstasy
The drug known as 'liquid ecstasy' is a different drug to ecstasy. Liquid ecstasy is gamma-hydroxybutyrate or GHB, and is also known as grievous bodily harm (GBH) or fantasy.

GHB is a depressant drug with sedative and anesthetic effects. GHB is usually a colourless, odourless, bitter or salty-tasting liquid, sold in small bottles or vials. It also comes as a bright blue liquid, sometimes called 'blue nitro' or as a crystal powder.

GHB is sometimes used in the dance and club scene as it can produce feelings of euphoria, relaxation and sociability, and an increased urge for sex.

GHB is used to spike drinks
Because it has no colour or smell GHB is a drug which is used to spike drinks. It produces symptoms of drowsiness, amnesia and impaired movement and speech, as well as more serious symptoms of agitation, unconsciousness and respiratory collapse.

That is exactly it. Drink #2. I can't believe anybody would do that. Especially since at that point, I knew almost everybody at the party. I don't remember for the life of me where that drink came from. I think someone may have given it to Chenoa, and Chenoa gave it to me.

Last night I went out with friends but took it easy and I'm doing better now. It scares me though... honestly! Who does that? When did slipping drugs into drinks become OK with my friends?!

I don't know if that drink was intended for me, but it doesn't even matter because it was made for somebody.

Anyways, this is my rant, and my shitty weekend adventure and I'm hoping for a better week, and I'm going to try and pull some things together and maybe just move out of this scene all together and ditch these 'friends'. I'm so mad at the rock star right now, even though he probably has no idea. Even though I was there, he still didn't hang out with me at all the entire night. That I remember anyways.
Not to mention one of his asshole friends, or even he might have spiked this drink.

I wonder, are all rock stars like this? What kind of music scene could I put myself in that wouldn't involve morons?

The Mod Toast

2006-02-23T18:18:00.000-06:00

Picture by Lauren

(ok, so I'm feeling silly)

Here's a toast straight to God
Tonight we'd like to applaud
The music left unsabotaged
The life and style of all that's Mod.

Thursday night from all abroad
We came together - tripped and trod
We danced, and sang, and shangrila'd
While everybody ooh'd and ahh'd

Through out the week on your iPod,
Your choice of tunes should be pshaw'd
When the music will not move your bod
It can only be known as fraud

But another Thursday still unflawed
The music grooving - can't help but nod
From the eagle to the cod
We thank you God for all that's Mod!

Everybody come out to the Pyramid tonight for yet another awesome mod night!!!

moving up the ladder of intention with only little intervention

2006-02-22T22:16:00.000-06:00

That's Lisa Lashes. Yes, bad picture, and yes, the best female DJ on the planet. That was on Monday.

Well, I know.
I haven't been blogging in a week.
I haven't had a lot of motivation to write.
In here anyways, I've written about 5 songs, and been playing a lot of guitar.

I've been out almost every night except last night, and tonight - so far. Johnny invited me to come see Castrati play again at Shannon's but it turns out I have no friends. (I just called Colette to confirm that because I realized she was the only one I didn't give a chance... she confirmed it.)

I don't know what to blog about. Love life is interesting right now... I don't know what I'm doing, but did I ever? My music is getting better and better, and I went to church on Sunday night for the first time in five years. It was a spiritualist church, and the preacher came up to me and read me, and told me about my future and what to do.

Though, he told me I am about to break someone's heart, but it's up to me to decide who.

I think the music is what's messing with my mind. I've been manically switching between hard rock, and crazy psychedelic trance throughout the week deciding which one better suits me.

What do you think?

Did you know when I was 17 I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? Although I'm not depressed anymore, I don't think that has ever changed.

I'm psyched about so many things right now.

I'm organizing a benefit concert for cancer, I'm falling for like 4 different guys, I'm becoming more addicted to everything bad for me (including emotions, and personalities), I'm growing as a musician, and Infected Mushroom is going to be here April 14th and my mind is always racing.

I got dark red highlights.

Now I just need to pluck my hideous eyebrows and I should be set up for mod night tomorrow.

I love life. It's so unpredictable.

"Ciao for now" - a letter

2006-02-15T19:18:00.000-06:00

To my favourite flirtation:

It's ok, I'm not hung up on you or anything. Or actually, perhaps I am a bit, but it's not your fault - I have finally learned something real about you this way.

I don't know anything about who you are, I just liked you for some stupid reason... if you knew me, you'd understand that I, yes I, Kira, am more than just my body. Who knew I have a soul, emotions, and even feelings? Weird ones at that.I don't find myself attracted to many people. I could count on my fingers the amount of people I have really liked, and most of them aren't even people I've dated.

I'm so picky, that no matter how perfect a guy, or even a girl for that matter, may be - if I don't feel that extra spark... you know that gut punch feeling you get when there are butterflies inside of you and you can't speak in full sentences or even stand straight because the beautiful creature in front of you takes up your whole reason of being and you become absolutely crazy about that person for that moment and the rest of the world doesn't exist - if I don't have that with a person, I can't even try to like them because it seems so pointless.

Anyways, I guess I got that with you, which is totally lame because I don't know you at all and the one thing I do know about you I hate.But I suppose I can't be mad at you for being a typical famous, natural, flirt, who lies with their eyes as a form of self promotion, because most stars do that, don't they?

It's not your fault I have this unreasonable wanting for you that you cannot return, and I'll pull through it if not today, then tomorrow. I guess you must be something special, eh?

Now that I've let the fear of - or perhaps only the truth out of me, I'm going to go back to my normal everyday life, which I never even left, only now I'm leaving the possibility of you - along with your empty promises and fake-blooded suggestions - behind.

See you tomorrow from behind closed doors, drunk and onstage,

-Kira

"If everything I am is sunshine, you must be the milky way." -Me, If You Could, 2005

Nobody does it better

2006-02-14T00:09:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I am scared to be myself.

I do care what people think of me... some people anyways. I've heard from fables, the best way to go about life is just to do what feels right and not let anyone stop you from being you.

So that's what I do.

I've been told I'm crazy, even brave, but sometimes fear of judgement completely encompasses me.

However, even though I often go through my day with butterflies inside, I can't be anyone other than myself, so that's how I live.

And you know what?

I love it.